Vacation Time Love

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
i'm 23 from philippines, and my boyfriend is from california and he's 40. last september, 2002, we met here in manila through my cousin and we became more than friends and then he went back to california and promised me that he'll come back after a year. and so, he did... last september this year (2003) we went back and we were both very happy together.

then he left again... then we seldom email me and send text messages. i don't know but he changed. he never called me on my phone. why is that?! he was so sweet and he even promised me that he'll come back on January. should i wait him or am i just waiting for nothing? please help me. Advice
There's a classic situation called Vacation Time Love. This happens ALL the time on cruise ships and at vacation spots like in the Caribbean. In essence, people "get away" from their normal life for a few weeks and when they meet someone, they fall passionately in lust because of the exotic location, the whole 'away from reality' situation and the lack of stress or real life challenges.

Those dream-land relationships *rarely* survive in real life, because their foundation has nothing to do with a real friendship that was built up over time, or over real, shared real life situations. It's only based on an escapist fantasy.

So this guy "escapes" from his real life for a short while, meets you and has a blast. He goes back to his real life again and it's fun for him to have his "vacation retreat and girl" to think about occasionally, but not to really have to deal with on a day to day basis.

So it's not that he's changed right now. It's that the relationship was always based on "fun, occasionally" and never was a strong part of your daily lives. Maybe after the first meeting he had little to do in his real life and could put energy into chatting with his long distance friend. But probably he has other things to do in real life now and is doing that.

I would really move on. He was fun, but maintaining a long distance relationship takes a SERIOUS amount of effort and requires a real, solid friendship that is built up in the first place to maintain. If you guys were vacation loves and then only see each other on vacation every year or so, it's time you find a real guy in your life to be best friends with and form a real relationship with.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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