He Jumped on the Chance to Break Up

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
On Sunday my bofriend and I split up and I'm just so hurt and confused by the whole thing I dont know what to think. I'm sorry if this is long.

A week ago last friday I accidently sent him a text that was meant for my best friend (to do with her relationship troubles) saying "be honest do you want to split, if you do its best to get it out in the open" and he texted back saying that at the moment he did because he felt I didn't trust him. I burst into tears and went round his flat to be alone expecting him to be at work. He was there and was holding me and saying he loved me and I said "All I want is for you to hold me, tell me you love me and kiss me" and he did but said we'd discuss splitting when he got home from work.

When he got home from work we started discussing it and he seemed really confused and kept saying that he didn't know what he wanted. When I confronted him with a "Do you want to split up or stay together?" he said that he wanted to stay together and he did hope that we could last. He said he felt so exhausted from work and crap about everything so we decided I'd spend the next week at home to give him time to catch up on his sleep and some space. During this week apart we would talk on the fone and if I said "I love you" he would say "ditto" or "love you too" he also said that he did love me and fancy me and that was probably why he was so confused.

I went round on Friday just gone after 5 nights apart and we got talking again and this time he said that he thought that the damage had been done and he wasn't sure if he could overcome the hurt. He agreed to let me try to prove that I trust him but things weren't the same, he didn't kiss me night night or cuddle up in bed. On the Saturday I went through his text messages on his mobile (I've never done it before) and I found one to another girl saying "I'm quiet this morning as I'm in the car with ann love you and miss you loads sexy bum". I confronted him with it and he said that he'd set up the text with this girl as he knew I would go through his phone (the next day she did phone to see the outcome) However this girl is one that he confesses to having been after a while ago.

On Sunday we got talking again and he said that he wanted to split and was very angry at me. I was crying and begging him for a new start to which he replied "I gave you a new start and the very next day you blew it" He was crying he eyes out and I said "can't we try to work it out" he said "work what out how can we work anything out when I just dont feel the same" He says I've really hurt by appearing not to trust him and no ones ever hurt him this much before. He was saying that he is hurting so much because he's hurt me so much and kept apologising for hurting me. I left and went back and he was staring into space hugging a cushion so we got talking some more and he gave me a really tight hug.

When I got home he said that he deserved to be dead for what he's done to me, he also told me that he got drunk and when I asked why he said "I didn't enjoy it" I said "was it cos you were hurting" and he said "yes" He also said that he had told no one at work because it wouldn't be fair to start crying there. I wanted to talk on the phone to try to build bridges but he said it was too soon and painful.

When we did talk he said that it has never hurt this much splitting up with someone before and that I'm the best gf he has ever had and that I've given him the best 5 months of his life. He also swears there is no one else, in fact he got upset that I even asked and has a point in that he doesn't have time (he works very long hours and Ive practically been living there). So I believe him but due to the text i found there are doubts there but deep down I believe him. I told him I found it hard to accept as 2 weeks ago he was all loving and he said "2 weeks ago you weren't being like this"

Now he's admottin that he misses and says that he still loves me but just not in the same way as I have him so much.

What do you make of the situation, do you think it is over? My friends seem to feel he is confused and tired and its so sudden that give him time and space and he will come round but I honestly don't know what to think. All I know is I am hurting and confused. We were so good together What should I do?

RomanceClass.com Advice
Let's start at the beginning with this one. You made a honest mistake in your texting, and it must have hurt him a lot to get that message out of the blue. Some people when faced with in essence a potential dump jump to "dump first" so they feel a bit better about the situation. That is, he got this message. It surprised him, "Yikes, she is asking about breaking up???" So maybe his reaction was "Well fine if she is thinking about breaking up then so do I!" and he responded back. And he began to build up his emotional support for his choice, thinking about all the reasons why this was a GOOD choice. But then you came home and he goes "Oooops!" but he's already started thinking about why breaking up is a good idea and it's hard to stop.

You guys take a week to really think about things instead of making a snap decision, which is a really good idea. It's always good to give a lot of time and energy to any important decision. But I'm at this point getting a VERY strange feeling about the way he is acting. He says he doesn't think you trust him but you don't say at all that you've been acting jealous or calling him every 5 minutes or anything else. He says "the damage is done" but heck we're talking about one accidential text message that you guys discussed afterwards!! In the world of dating, this is about as MINOR as you can get in the world of mistakes and trouble! Dating and relationships and marriage are NOT smooth roads! They are rollercoasters, full of ups and downs, of good times and of REALLY bad times. The point of being in a relationship is that you go through those together and stick with each other. He's going to abandon the relationship because of this one glitch? One minor little thing and he runs for the hills and this is YOUR fault???

OK, so now you find a sleazy message on his telephone - and his claim is that this is a plant? What kind of a sick individual deliberately leads harmful messages like that lying around to torment their partner? The whole point of relationships is that you SHOULD be open with each other. Heck, most couples I know use each others phones and email accounts and computers and pagers because they share things. Why in the world is he trying to hide his mobile from you? Why is it a bad thing for you to use it? I find it incredibly hard to believe that that is true. You have NEVER done this before. What is the chance that the ONE day you do it, it is the ONE day he has put a "fake sexy message" on it to try to trap you. It is far, far more likely that he has been texting this other girl and that the reason that you found the message is because you checked. If you'd checked any other time you would have found another one of his messages.

A guy who cares about a relationship talks about issues. He doesn't leave sleazy messages around to upset you and then, when you're upset, go "ha ha see you are upset." Just what does that prove? That he's trying to hide things from you? That you are bad if you want to be a part of his world? That game-playing is a healthy way to deal with issues?

Even in the end he is saying this is all YOUR fault and that he is the innocent guy in it that can't help the way he is acting. He really needs to start taking some responsibility for his actions and being more of a partner here. If not, it may be very lucky that this whole thing happened, for you to learn how immature he was before you got even deeper into things. If he was going to be a jerk at the first bump, at least it was now when you were just dating, and not later when you were married to him and he THEN ran off with someone else.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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