The old boring love and the new exciting love

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Hi, i am currently in a serious relationship with a guy i have been with on and off for a couple of years. We met in college and were each others first love. My boyfriend is mad about me and we have talked about marriage and spending the rest of our lives together. Everyone else including our friends, his family and my family all assume we will be together for at least another couple of years, and we even live together at the moment.

I really love this man, but the unexpected happened when i fell in love with someone else during the summer, and this other person also loves me. I dont see this other person very often unless im at home where my parents live because i currently live 150 odd miles away from there with my boyfriend. I dont like his family as much as i like my current boyfriends family, and he doesn't have as good a career as my boyfriend either. But when i am with this other person i am always alot happier then when im with my boyfriend. We get along better, we enjoy doing the same things unlike my boyfriend and i, and i dont seem to miss my boyfriend when im with him, but miss him alot when im with my boyfriend. Also, i am more attracted to this other person than i am to my boyfriend.

My boyfriend knows that i have a really close relationship with this other guy, and he also knows that he loves me, and i think it is destroying him. All this is really confusing me because i know everyone else including my own family would love to see me settle down with my current boyfriend, and i do love him very much and thought we were perfect together until i met this other person. Now im worried i may not be happy with my boyfriend for the rest of life. What should i do? Advice
This is a very common situation. When you're with someone for a while, you get used to them. They seem 'normal', they're not exciting any more. Whatever struck you as 'new' or 'fun' about them in the beginning is now just a part of their personality. You know all their bad parts.

Then someone else comes along - he looks different, he is fresher, he does fun things. Suddenly that rush of fun love comes back into your love. You tingle when you see him! When he smiles, it lights up your entire inside! You start to wonder why you're with your old boring boyfriend instead of chasing clouds with this new, exciting guy.

You need to stop for a moment and think about what love is all about. Love is about staying together through thick and thin, through good and bad. It's about working together through difficulties and jointly facing the world. The rush of lust of new love CANNOT LAST, it would burn you out. What takes its place is the long-lasting love of trust and commitment.

If you're going to run off with someone else because they are new, your relationships are going to be doomed. There is ALWAYS going to be someone new. There will ALWAYS be someone else more handsome, or more fun. Are you going to just keep leaving each time someone else comes along?

People rarely have the same interests throughout their entire lives. They change interests yearly or every few years. They get bored of some things and learn new things. So marrying someone *for life* just because they share an interest or two is a bad idea. You want someone that will CHANGE AND GROW with you, not necessarily someone who perfectly matches you right now. What if you both like gardening right now, but in a few years he gets into skiing and you get into cross-stitching? You still need to be able to enjoy each other without relying on "a hobby" to be that tie.

Finally, this new guy seems great because you only seem him on weekends or vacations. Weekend-guys are "fun escapes" from your normal world. When you end up living with them, they are just as good or bad or annoying or frustrating as any other guy you live with. You need to separate out all of these things and look at both men objectively, and look at the commitment you have made to the one you're with. You shouldn't even BE dating another guy while you are with him.

If you don't want to be with him, then that's one thing. Tell him that, leave him and be on your own for a while, to get over the "rebound" before you date again. But to "try out" another guy while you're living with the first one is VERY unfair to the guy who is currently trying to make the relationship work with you.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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