My Boyfriend is Extremely Jealous

Visitor's Question from a 41-50 year old Female
OH WHERE TO BEGIN. MY BOYFRIEND AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 2 YEARS NOW, HE IS EXTREMELY JEALOUS AND HE TOLD ME THIS IN THE BEGINING BUT I HAD NO IDEA OF THE EXTENT.

I MADE IT A SOLEMN VOW TO MYSELF WHEN HE POURED OUT HIMSELF TO ME, THAT THERE WAS NO WAY I'D GIVE HIM ANY REASON TO DOUBT ME -- I WAS GONNA BE DIFFERENT.
WELL TO MAKE A REAL LONG STORY SHORT, I DID THINGS THAT I ACTUALLY DIDNT THINK WOULD BOTHER HIM - NOT SO.

WE SPLIT UP DO TO HIS LACK OF TRUST IN ME AND DURING THAT TIME I REALLY SCREWED UP I SLEPT WITH THE GUY THAT BOTHERED HIM THE MOST NOT ONLY ONCE BUT 2 TIMES.

NOW HE KNOWS ABOUT IT AND DIDNT TAKE IT NOT ONE BIT GOOD AS YOU CAN WELL IMAGINE. BUT WE ARE TRYING TO GET BACK TOGETHER BUT HE WANTS THINGS DONE LIKE ME MAKE THIS GUY "HATE ME" SO THAT MY BOYFRIEND WONT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ME GOING BACK TO HIM. ITS NOT IN MY NATURE TO BE THAT WAS, WHAT DO I DO??? AND MORE OVER WILL HE THEN PUT IT BEHIND US AND HOW CAN I HELP HIM CURB HIS JEALOUSY BEFORE ITS WAY TOO LATE??????

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH--PLEASE HELP US

P.S. I'M 41 AND HES 33

RomanceClass.com Advice
Now hold on - you guys *broke up*. Breaking up means that you are no longer dating. So therefore you were quite free to do whatever you wanted, to whoever you wanted. He is the one who drove you away with his immature behavior. So you left him behind and had some fun. As was completely your right.

So this guy, who was jealous and non-trusting to start with, ends up being even more jealous and non-trusting. And not only that, but he is trying to control you now to the point that he wants you to *torment* an old lover so that he feels safe. And how is this going to go forward - you're going to have to torment any guy that he feels stressed out about, so that he can trust you?

You cannot fix him. He is a mature adult here and should have gotten over his jealous fits long, long ago. If he is that insecure, and if his insecurity drove you away before and he has STILL not learned his lesson, he needs some real help. I would go to couples therapy. Tell him that this is a requirement for you guys to get together again. There is NO way you should be told by him to actively antagonize people to suit his own insecurities. He really needs some help to get over this soon, before he destroys your relationship again.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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