He's With Another Girl - I Want Him Back

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
my ex and i have been together for 5 yrs (on and off). the last two years of that has been a long distance relationship. we broke up the last time coz i found out that he cheated on me. after 10 months, i forgave him and decided that i wanted us to get back together.

he wanted it too but it turns out that he couldn't do that at the moment. he's with a girl who is unfortunately undergoing chemotheraphy for breast cancer. my boyfriend said that he loves me more but he's stuck in the middle. he knew that he couldn't leave his current girlfriend right now but he also doesn't want to lie and get back with me knowing that he's still with someone else. he told me that he just needs more time and that the next time we get back together, it's gonna last.

now my problem is this, i'm willing to let him stay with the girl. i'm just scared that he might end up falling in love with her and forget about me. i was thinking about staying with him secretly (but not formally together) just to make sure that he is not forgetting that he's supposed to come back to me. i don't know what to do. i don't even know until when he has to stay with her. HELP!!!

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RomanceClass.com Advice
You should never, ever, base your relationship on a lie. So most definitely do NOT do anything sneaky or slimy behind her back. What happens when she finds out and everybody is talking about how you were sleeping with a guy that was dating a woman with breast cancer? Sure, you love him. Lots of women who cheat 'love' their guy. But love doesn't give you a license to betray a relationship. In fact if anything love should mean you *respect* the relationship.

He also needs to think very seriously about this. Being with someone means you ARE with them, not that you are using them for a while and plan on leaving them. Yes, he thinks he is helping his girlfriend. But how is she going to feel when she realizes that he's been loving YOU all this time and just staying with her? All of us go through rough periods in life where we are sick, or out of money, or all sorts of other things happened. We wanted people by us who honestly were supporting us. We didn't want liars around us who were short-term friends, with other agendas.

You guys can fool yourself that "she'll never find out". But believe me, most people DO find out. And even if there's that slim chance that she doesn't, it means this entire period of your life is about deceiving people and playing with their emotions for your own personal gain. That's hardly something to be proud of.

He should sit down with her and tell her the truth. Yes, it's hard for her right now. But breaking up is ALWAYS tough. If he is lying to her and bases his entire relationship with her on a lie that is really really unnice thing to do to anybody.

It's admirable not to want to hurt someone. But if a guy is planning on ditching a girl and keeps lying to her in the meantime, he is preventing HIMSELF from being hurt, from accepting the consequences of his own choices. He made this choice. He chose you over her. He needs to be mature enough to stand up to that choice and say it publicly. If he'll only go with you "when situations change", then it is better if he just accepts in his mind that he is with HER, and if you find a guy that is really free. That's as bad as a married man continually telling his mistress "someday soon I'll divorce her and be with you, just as soon as the kids get a bit older." Cheating is never right. A partner's heart and dedication should ALWAYS be 100% with the person they are in a relationship with, period.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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