I'm Dating a Married Woman and I'm Jealous

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
I have recently been seeing a woman who is currently married but says she intends leaving him, we've been geting on well though i havent been able to see much of her because of her husband. The thing is years ago i was hurt by a woman who i was seeing, she wouldnt admit it and kept calling me jealous but after we finished i found out i'd been right and she had cheated on more than one occasion, i have had girlfriends since then and not been jealous but this new woman is very outgoing.

She tends to flirt with other friends etc, she says she is doing this to stop her husband thinking there is anything going on between us. I find i am very jealous over her, the fact that she is cheating on her husband with me is part of it i'm sure, also the way my ex cheated on me, but its got to the point now where i dont believe anything she's telling me. The other day i was supposed to meet her and when she told me no because a friend of hers was there i lost my temper, even to the point of trying to get her to get her friend to talk to me on the phone so i'd know it was a girl, not another man. She refused saying she shouldnt have to prove herself which i can understand but now i find myself always wondering if it really was her friend. I dont feel any jealousy towards her husband which is strange but feel jealous of just about everything else she does. We had made plans about going away together in a few months and her getting a divorce, but after this row we split up, now shes agreed to have me back on condition i stop this jealousy because she says she could never be with me permanently if it goes on.

I know shes right, if i cant control my jealousy i'll never be able to stay with her, even though i love her so much, i know i have low self-esteem, my ex made sure of that, and i think i'm lucky to have this new girl, even to the point i think shes too good for me. I know i'd get hurt a lot les if i let her go but i cant bring myself to do it. I need to get a hold of my jealousy, i have read your advice on

http://www.romanceclass.com/miscr/howto/jealousy/index.asp

but cant see how this can help me. I cant get her to call me every hour etc because of her husband, it also doesnt help i cant see her for days on end because of my work. Please help, any advice would be appreciated.

RomanceClass.com Advice
I really have to say that it's time to take a step back here and look at the situation. This woman is right now, in your face, proving that if she has difficulty in a relationship her solution is to run into another man's arms. She's not divorced. She says she "will" get a divorce sometime in the future when it suits her. She hasn't even told her husband about any of this yet?? And you wonder why you have trouble trusting her, that she could be honest with someone that she cares about?

If she didn't care about her husband, she'd be divorced right now and would be up front about spending time with you. So she DOES care about him, and is actively lying to him because it makes her happy. And then when she's not with you you wonder if she's capable of lying to you because it makes her happy? Of course she is! She already is actively lying.

If you feel you have self esteem, that's something to work on, definitely. There are many therapists who could help you with that. But keep that VERY separate from the problem you have with this woman. She's doing whatever she wants to and lets everyone else suffer the consequences. If she wants to be with you, then it's time she step up to the table and show her real intentions. If she's going to divorce this guy, then she SHOULD and tell him that she loves you instead. And if you two are going to be together then she should be proud to make that public.

With all the people in this world who desperately want to be together and can't for REAL reasons - 2000 miles apart, etc. - the only thing that is holding you two apart is a divorce proceedings. Which is super easy to do. So either she loves you and is willing to do that and be with you, or she's just having fun. It's time for her to decide.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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