Long Distance Love - He's Got a Girlfriend

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I am very confused about how this guy is acting. See we met about two years ago in the summer, I was visiting my sister who lived in another state, and he was one of her friends. We went out one night (well actually, it was pretty much every night, but this night in particular is when I met him!) to a house party and we were talking, but it was very loud in the house what with the music and all, so we ended up going out in the backyard and sitting back there by ourselves. We hit it off and got along really well and by the end of the night we had kissed.

From that night until I left for home about 2 weeks later, we were inseperable. We spent every day and every night together (no sex or anything, just kissing. He spent the night one night, but nothing happened.) and found that we had a LOT of things in common, I mean a lot! So the night before my flight leaves (my flight left in the morning... i think it was around 9) he stayed over until around 5 or so in the morning and we were just talking about anything and everything. How it sucked that I had to leave and go home and all that good stuff. We both thought that it'd be stupid to say we wouldn't date other people, because we didn't know when the next time we even saw eachother would be, and we were both okay with that. It just made sense since we lived, i don't know, 10,000 miles apart or something. We had very strong feelings for one another, but knew it was for the best not to make any promises in that department.

So, before he left, we exchanged addresses and phone numbers (may I just clarify that this was HIS idea! And that will carry some significance once you get closer to the end of this email) and made the promise to keep in touch no matter how busy we were or whatever. The next morning, he came with me to the airport to see me off and said the big "L word", and when I searched his eyes to see if he meant it I thought maybe he did! Which I really thought was crazy, because we'd only met two weeks ago, yeah I liked him a lot and had strong feelings for him... but love? I wasn't so sure as he seemd to be. But after some hesitation, I said it back, unsure of whether or not I really meant it... (I know, I know, its bad to throw that word around) but I didn't want to make him feel bad or think that I didn't really care for him.

I did a lot of traveling that summer and always we would call back and forth since I was all over and wouldn't be home to recieve any letters he sent. When I did get home, it was to news that my sister was getting a divorce and would be moving in with me and my family, so I took the ride down half way with my mom where we met her, her (soon-to-be) ex-husband, and my guy. We stole a few moments in some arcade section of some random gas station (it was very sweet, he led me back there and said some cute things... and made out! haha) but too soon, we had to go our seperate ways again. Now, after this we mailed eachother back and forth, our letters often taking up 2 to 3 pages (front AND back! haha) his containing words like 'forever' and phrases like 'the rest of my life' and even going so far as to say he had made up his mind to marry me one day (but this was said in a light hearted manner so I never took it seriously, I even wrote back and joked that his proposal sucked)

We also called eachother about once or twice a week, we'd talk about anything... we'd plan my escape from home and how he would pick me up and I'd come live with him, obviously joking, I couldn't just drop my life and leave to live with him. Then, one time, my sister's EX couldn't make it half way with us so that she could get her kids for a couple weeks, so we had to drive all the way to pick them up. Well I called my guy and told him I'd be in town and that we should meet up at this mexican resteraunt that we all love. He agreed and sounded excited to be able to see me again for a while, he asked me to call him when we were an hour away so he would know when to be at the resteraunt.

So I called him and I got the voicemail, I didn't think anything of it, left a message that we were about an hour away but the traffic was pretty bad, so could he call me back when he gets this and if I didn't hear from him then I'd just call him when we were almost there. Well, he didn't call me back. When we were, Oh, I don't know, maybe 10 minutes away, I called him to let him know and what do I get but the voicemail again! At this point I'm thinking, "ok, where is he? I can't wait for him forever, we're just eating, then we're back on the road again!" So I left another voicemail and told him that we were about 10 min. away from getting the kids and that we'd probably be at the resteraunt in no more than a half hour and to please call and let me know what was going on.

He never called back... and he never showed at the resteraunt either. I was devestated, my thoughts were scattered, I didn't know if maybe something had happened to prevent him from being there, he had a g/f at the time... did she find out or get jealous and not want him to come?, or the worst one: did HE just not want to come? But that didn't make sense, he sounded genuinly excited on the phone, but maybe he was just acting and saw this as his chance to make a point and that he wanted to severe ties.

While at the resteraunt I called one last time and, of course, got the voicemail again. This time I said, "We're at the resteraunt, we'll probably be here for about an hour or so, I wish you'd call me if you can't make it or something, call me back when you get this". Well, needless to say, he never called back. After that day, I didn't call or write him, I figured if he wanted to stay in contact, then after that he would be the one to step forward, if he cared, right? I had so many questions and thoughts, but I wasn't about to lay myself on the line again just to get stood up or ignored. It was up to him, I thought, even though it was SO hard to not talk to him.

That was a little over a year ago. It was NOT easy at all, but little by little, I started to accept it. All the things I thought about (was he doing this to try and spare me the pain or worry of having someone I care about so much so far away and not being able to be with him, to spare himself too even? Or did he just get tired of me? Or did his girlfriend get mad? There were so many possibilities...) started to fade into doubts about whether or not what I had felt for him was even real or if him saying the "L word" just intensified my feelings and made me think that there was more to it than there actually was. I had FINALLY got to the point where I thought I was over it and I only looked back on the good memories!

Then out of nowhere, he sent me a birthday card this past December with quite a lengthy note in the side of it saying how I probably thought that he forgot all about me, but that he thought about me all the time, more than I probably thought, and that he thought it was about that time we were waiting for (I'm not sure what he meant by this? Time that I come see him? Surely he didn't think I'd drop everything and move in with him or marry him or something? I was teasing when we'd kidded about those things, I had been positive he was too!) and that he hoped he heard from me soon. This threw me completely out of orbit. I didn't know what he expected me to do, I didn't even know how to react to this. Almost a year passes with no communication at all and then this? It almost didn't seem fair, I had "gotten over him" and finally got myself together and as soon as I read his card I knew I'd never really "gotten over" anything at all, I'd just forced myself not to think about it anymore... it kind of made me mad, because now I thought about him all the time again, nobody should have to get over a guy (or girl) more than once, I wasn't even sure I could do it a second time.

I mailed him a letter that was one page long and didn't REALLY say anything, you know the kind... it kind of just rambled on, I said something like, "I did think you'd forgotten about me... what HAPPENED???" so that maybe I might get an explanation about that resteraunt thing, but I still wasn't ready to spill my guts until he did and that subtle hint was about the deepest my letter went, the rest was just asking about what has he been up to, how's he been, tell so-and-so that I said hi.

So about a week ago, I was in florida and it was Mardi Gras, I got extremely drunk and ended up calling him on his cell phone, but (what do ya know?) I got the voicemail! Now I don't remember exactly what I said... which scares me! All I remember saying is "Hey, its Me... Isn't this just a blast from your past!?" but I know there has to be more to it then that because my phone said that the call lasted about 3 minutes. But I remember after I hung up on the voicemail, I started crying my eyes out... and I never cry, its a rare event, me crying... he just sounded so good on the voicemail (it seems stupid even to me, but what can ya do?)

The next day I got a phone call from some girl who said she was his girlfriends friend (but I'm betting it was his actual girlfriend) asking whether or not I knew he had a girlfriend, if I had sent him a letter and if he had sent me a birthday card (I don't know how she found out about the letter(s?) or card... did she go through his stuff? I can see how she may have heard his voicemail... but this?) and asking if I liked him (this question I strategically dodged by saying "I haven't seen him in 2 years!" which, apparently, means nothing because I can't stop thinking about him).

When I hung up with this girl, I thought about it for, like, 10 minutes going back and forth on whether I should call him and see what in the hell was going on down there, before I called and got the voicemail again- this time I did NOT leave a message! And I have not heard a peep out of him since his birthday card. What is this guy THINKING!?!? I just can't get a handle on what his thoughts might be? No girl should have to go through this... especially not twice... I don't even know if I could do it again... I'm sorry this is so long, I could really use some help on this one though. Thanks in advance!

RomanceClass.com Advice
First off, you were dating a guy that had a girlfriend? That's a really bad thing in the first place. If he wanted to be with you, he would have been - even long distance. Instead, he has a girlfriend and apparently kept you on the side, to string you along whenever he wanted "something different". He wouldn't even stay in contact with you, he only contacted you randomly when he felt a little bored with his current situation.

This sounds like really bad news. No girl should have to go through this ... and you're the cheating one?? How about his REAL girlfriend - no girl should have to deal with a cheating boyfriend!

Drop him. Find someone that is SINGLE and who can be honest.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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