He's Talking to Other Girls and Downloading Porn

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have two problems. I met my boyfriend online 10 months ago and we've gotten pretty serious since. I love him and I really want to make a future with him, but sometimes we fight about my jealousy. I know that some girls call him and he says there old friends. I belive him most of the time but when i noticed him online more often i asked about what he does on the computer.

He says that hes downloading, so one day i got on his screen name and checked his mail and i found pictures of girls that he had been chatting with. They were normall decent pictures but i noticed that these girls were all locals in our area, this bothered me becuse there so close and if he wanted to meet or something he could quite easily.

He says that he just chats to kill time while hes doing downloading, i think hes just inviting tempation. Another problem i have is also on the computer (his porn) i know that he looked at porn when we met...i even admitted to watching it OCCASIONALLY also, but it started to bother me more and more when i knew he was looking at it. I again i went trough his computer and looked at the stuff he has saved and certain web sites that he visits, and it made me so mad. We've watched it together and i was ok with it, but why does it bother me when i know hes doing it on his own. Our love life is excellent we both agree so why does he need porn.

Please help me to not feel this way, hes not too good with words so when i ask him about it all he can say is that he likes it and thats it, i dont want to be going through his things and being sneaky, and i dont want to drive him away with this problem.

RomanceClass.com Advice
There are two separate things here. One is porn. It's unhelpful to say to anybody "you can only ever look at me". No relationship should ever rely on blinders to work. You shouldn't have to move to a remote mountaintop for him to want to be with you. He should love you despite the fact that there are other women in the world. He shouldn't love you because you have forced him to only see you. Many men look at porn. It's like you eating more than one meal 24 hours a day. Sometimes the variety helps keep you feeling interested in life.

However, nameless porn is one thing - talking to women actively is another. You are quite right - that is tempting temptation. A partner's responsibility is to be honest true and faithful to their partner. It's not upholding that responsibility to actively cultivate personal relationships with lots of other local women. What happens if he finds one he likes and starts talking to her more and more often?

Why can't he play computer games while he downloads? Why not watch TV? How about read a book? Chatting it up with local girls doesn't seem to be kosher at all.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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