He Ignores Me Sexually - and Uses Porn Instead

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I am in desperate for advice. My boyfriend (26) and I (24)have been dating for close to a year now and after the first few months we our sex life has gone down hill. I know that he didn't have the best childhood and was basically left to be brought up by his grandmother whom he was really close to. Sadly she past on about a month ago but even before that we hadn't had sex for a month or so and are now going on a 3 month mark.

i will admit we have had a rocky relationship since the start and i keep telling myself it's partly due to his rough past but still... Anyhow when i approach him on this he tells me it's because i'm "nasty" as in not nice. i'm not perfect but i think i do my best as a girlfriend and i hate that he looks at porn and "takes care of business". He is affectionate and likes to cuddle though and i'm 99.9% confident that he is faithful.

he denies it but i know for a fact that he looks at porn OFTEN. please help, i do care for him but can't be in a sexless relationship. as well i've noticed that he rarely gets naked in front of me and changes in the other room and says that is just how he is.

is it me or him? what can i do to make him more intrested in having sex with me and not porn? we are both young and attractive and i want and need him to want me. i am just tired of his reasoning of i'm nasty or he isn't comfortable with having sex with me yet (since our last major fight on valentines day)i'm starting to feel as if i need to earn points that are rewarded by sex. we spend almost everyday together and have talked about moving in together but i am so lost.

i don't want to end this relationship but i need to have sex and feel wanted by my boyfriend. when we do have sex he seems to enjoy it and is effectionate afterwards and in a pleasant mood. i just don't understand b/c he told me that he has been with 60+ women in his lifetime but they were mainly all just for sex and i am his 2nd major relationship. please, please help me. it's a bit more complicated but that is the short version. thanks!

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RomanceClass.com Advice
As much as some people stereotype guys as being sex machines, many guys are honestly interested in making love as an intimate activity with a woman. Obviously your guy didn't always worry about this in the past. However, now he's in a committed relationship with you, and he has made this connection in his mind. Sex with you isn't casual, it is an emotional expression. Because of this, when he has mixed emotions about you, he's not interested in making that bond.

You say you guys have problems. Regardless of what baggage anybody brings into a relationship, the problems between you two have to be solved between you two. It's pretty useless to blame them on past issues. Regardless of why they exist, they do exist, and they have to be fixed in the present by you both.

Putting pressure on him for the sex part - which I agree is really important in a relationship - won't fix the issue. The issue isn't the sex. The sex (or lack thereof) is just a symptom. The problem is the emotions he has. You have to address the emotional problem. When you do, the sex will come back naturally.

Sit down and talk with him about the emotional distance and issues. Get help from a therapist if you need to, or another 3rd party. That's what you need to work on.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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