Hooking back up with an Ex

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
RECENTLY, I STARTED TALKING TO AN OLD GIRLFRIEND I HAD A LITTLE OVER THREE YEARS AGO. WE WENT OUT FOR (4) YEARS. WE BOTH LOVED EACH OTHER, AND I KNOW I DEEP DOWN INSIDE I STILL DO. WE TALK ON THE PHONE, WE WENT OUT A COUPLE TIMES, AND JUST LAST WEEK I TOOK HER TO A REALLY NICE BAR. WE HAD A GOOD TIME, EVEN THOUGH SHE IS STILL VERY STUBBORN, IT NEVER BOTHERED ME. BUT ANYWAY, SHE TELLS ME THAT SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND WHOM SHE LOVES.

THAT NIGHT I TOOK HER TO THAT BAR, WHEN SHE WENT TO THE BATHROOM, THESE FOUR GIRLS NEXT TO ME ASKED ME IF WE WERE ON OUR FIRST DATE? I SAID NO AND EXPLAINED TO THEM THAT SHE'S MY EX FROM THREE YEARS AGO, ETC. ETC. I QUICKLY REALIZED THAT TWO OF THE GIRLS WERE FLIRTING WITH ME EXCESSIVELY. WHEN SHE GOT BACK FROM THE BATHROOM, THEY CONTINUED TO FLIRT WITH ME. MY EX IMMEDIATELY GRABBED MY ARM AND PULLED ME CLOSE TO HER. SHE DID THIS A COUPLE OF TIMES. IT FELT LIKE SOMETHING, BUT NOTHING HAS HAPPENED.

AND, A COUPLE DAYS LATER SHE'S KIND OF DISTANT. SHE SEEMS A LITTLE OVERWHELMED ABOUT ME COMING BACK INTO HER LIFE AFTER ALL THAT TIME, AND WITH THE STUFF SHE'S HAS ON HER PLATE ALREADY. SO I SAID I WOULD GIVE HERE TIME AND LET THINGS SOME HOW WORK THEMSELVES OUT. I REALLY DO MISS THAT FEELING WE HAD TOGETHER. AND NOT TO MENTION HER BOYFRIEND HASN'T BEEN MUCH OF THAT LATELY, SHE SAYS HE'S NOT LIKE HE USED TO BE, AND SHE MAY HAVE SOME DOUBT ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP? BUT ANYWAY, DO YOU SEE ANYTHING THERE WITH US OR IS IT JUST A CATCHING UP TYPE OF THING? PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THANK YOU

RomanceClass.com Advice
It sounds like she's going through the normal 'settling down' in her current relationship and isn't very happy with it. So it's really good for her to realize that she's still desired and wanted, which is what you are doing. And yes she'd definitely be jealous if other women started putting the moves on you while she was there because it would mean she wasn't attractive enough to keep her attention, which isn't what she wants to believe right now.

She's already in a relationship with someone, and is trying to figure out if it'll work or not. It definitely will NOT work if she's spending romantic energy, dating you, and not putting her time or energy into her boyfriend. So that needs to be her first decision. She either should work on talking to her boyfriend and working out proactively that relationship, or being honest with her boyfriend and telling him she doesn't think it'll work. But for her to keep you around as 'backup' and decide if her current boyfriend is putting enough effort in for her or not is unfair to him. And if she's capable of doing that to him, she'll be just as capable of doing that to you if she ended up with you, once your relationship got into that normal 'calm time'.

I would definitely stay her friend. Everybody needs friends, and ex-s are great friends because they know your history and can talk to you very well. But I wouldn't get romantic. She needs to decide for herself what she's going to do. If you push her into breaking up, she'll always consider it your fault that she did, instead of her own decision. And if you push her into feeling relationships shouldn't be worked on, it'll harm you when it's your relationship she isn't working on.

So be there, talk to her, listen to her. But she needs to decide what she's going to do with her current relationship before anything else happens. If she decides she's going to really work on it, then support her, and consider finding yourself your own girlfriend. If she decides it just won't work, then again be her friend and talk and listen to her while she breaks up, and give her time to recover from it. Then, when she sees that you were there for her all along, I'm sure she'll give serious thought to becoming closer to you again.

Good luck!

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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