He's Calling Dating Lines

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been with my bf for 3 years. We have known each other for 9 years. We have been living together for a little over a year. We had alot of issues that we have dealt with while we were moving in together. We are both very stubborn. But we love each other and always try to make it work.

A couple weeks ago I had a wierd dream about him cheating on me. Nothing unusual I've had these dreams before. For whatever reason I looked in between the mattress' and found porn. I don't care that he watches porn but that he was hiding it from me, bothered me. He had always told me he didn't like it and when I would ask him to watch with me he would say it does nothing for him. So that tape brought out my trust issues. I started snooping and found his cell phone bill ripped up in the garbage. I started reading it and saw that there were a few numbers that he had called numerous times for a long time. So I called them. The first one was a gay dating line and the other was a straight dating line. My heart dropped. I thought this couldn't be real. This couldn't be happening to me.

All day long, while I was at work all I thought about was that he was gay, bi and cheating on me with either a man or woman. I had trust issues in the past from being lied to and cheated on. So I was fuming mad! I couldn't wait I called him while he was at work and asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell me. If had been hiding anything from me, he had said no. I said well I found proof that your hiding something. So within an hour he called me at work. I said we can talk about it on the phone as long as you are going to talk. He agreed. I said why are you calling dating lines! Are you gay? All kinds of thoughts went through my head. Are sex life wasn't doing great either so I thought that this could be why. He said he never met anyone, he wasn't gay and he just wanted to talk crap to people. I somehow don't by that story because we are in our late 20's and not 14. He admitted having phone sex with the females, calling for about 6 months, but his resoning behind the gay line was he just talked to them. Nothing sexual at all. Like I said early I had trust issues that took me a long time to trust him and now I feel my trust is gone. He aplogized greatly and was completely ashamed. He said he didn't know what he was thinking or why he was calling them, when he should've been talking with me. I told him I wouldn't leave him but I feel like a sucker. I don't know how to get over this. Its only been 2 weeks? How do you learn to trust again?

Reading your website I have also learned that I may have jelousy issues prior to this event. Whenever my bf wants to do something without me I feel like I'm left out. I know he needs to have his time with his friends whether its at sproting events or anywhere. Whenever he tells me he's doing something without me I get bummed? I've tried to get out with my friends but I don't like to as much as he does? How do I get over that as well?

Oh one more issue. He smokes weed alot! I mean everyday.....both of his parents also smoke alot. I don't mind him smoking I just mind that he smokes everyday. I think its a little excessive. I told him that right now I won't say anything but later on in life when we have children I don't want their father to be a pothead. I've tried to give him an altimatum but he can never give me a straight answer. Its not like he gets all lazy on it either and veggs out but I still don't agree with it and don't want my children do think that its okay. How do I deal with that?

RomanceClass.com Advice
You being jealous is one thing - but him spending money on sex lines and talking to strange men AND women for months and months - and lying to you about it - is quite another. How can you trust him in the future if he went so far as to rip up the evidence to hide it from you? In the future, how will you know if he is really "changed" or if he is just hiding it better? What if he'd liked one of the girls he met on the dating line and started calling her regularly?

I think this trust issue comes MUCH higher than any jealousy issue. If you're going to rebuild that trust, I would talk to a therapist or minister or someone. This guy isn't just going to say "OK you caught me, suddenly years of lying will vanish and I'll be SO much better".

As far as the smoking goes, it is just as dangerous as cigarette smoking. Hopefully we all know how much harm that causes to your health! Anyone who is in a committed relationship - especially one thinking about kids - should be working day and night to break that habit. Or is he going to saddle you with the medical bills of caring for him, and then the burden of being alone when he dies early?

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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