whip it, whip it good

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
Well, as sad as it is, I've been with this guy for 10yrs. Hes raised my son of 13, more then half his life, and my daughter of 20 for half of her life. Well about 5wks ago, we had gone to visit our familys and pick up my new car. I met him there and we went and had a nice evening at his brothers house. The next morning he took me and he got my windows tinted on my new car. We had a very nice morning so I thought anyway. After that he was going to go and fix the brakes on his car and I had somethings to do myself and we were going to met up late that day to have dinner with my parents. I never heard from him again. He didn't call me he didn't come home , he didn't even see us for easter. Needless to say I do know he is ok, and for the first 4wks I did not go and look for him or bother him. At the beginning of the 4th wk he finally called twice and left me 2 messages to call him and that he did and does love me. I called and got no answer for 2 days. On the nite of the 2nd day he called me again, we talked alittle bit and he said he didnt want to be there and that he was going to take a shower and wanted to come home but he would call me back, he promised. Which he never does. So of course he never called back again. On that friday of the 4th wk I went down with my son to have dinner with my father. After dinner I myself was going to go and visit my sister who he also goes and visits often too. But on my way I saw his car at this guys house, so I stopped to ask him for some keys for a car at home. I knocked on the door and very nicely asked if I could talk to him, his friend said yea hold on and I'll go get him, come on in. I said thank you but no thanks I'll wait for him out side. Well of course they couldn't find him anywhere. He had run out the back door when his friend finally talked me into going in the house for a min. while he tryed to find him. So I waited alittle while and then said forget this I'm outta here. I drove around the corner and parked the car so I could see his and waited all nite. He never showed up. I went to put a letter on his car and noticed the back window open, so I climbed in. Sitting on his front seat was his wallet so I grabed it and went back to my car. As I was going through his things I came across a note written to him from his old sleezy girlfriend saying that she was glad he came back into her life cause they belong together cause they love each other but please dont be upset with her. They need to get married and have the family he always wanted. Not to also mention that she just got out of jail for like 4-5 years and she is alley trash. Her mom kicked her out and she lives in the alleys with all the trash cans. Anyway yes I was devastated beyond control. So I went back to his car climbed in again and proceeded to take his sterio, cell phone, and anything else I could stick down my jacket and carry to my car. Now before I ask my question I also want to let you know that durning all of this time I'm also going through the process of having to send my son to a residential school for a year because the school where we live have no program to help and teach him so I'm already a depressed, stressed out, very emotional person who is so scared its not funny and then when I need him more then anything in the world, He walks out on me. Nice isn't it. Anyway now I am battling the fear of for the first time in over 25yrs. I am going to be all alone. No kids and no man, just me by myself in a very small town far away from anything and anybody, and because I havent been able to work due to the on going situation with my son for the past 5+ yrs. on the day that he goes to the residence I will then have no income coming in what so ever, so that I to can not even pretend that I could possible even move somewhere close to my family or frinds, not that I have very many these days, so that lands me stuck here by myself. I'm very confused and I'm not totally sure how or what I should be feeling. At times I'm very angry at him for doing this to me now of all times but then at other times I'm so sad and hurt that I end up making myself sicker then I already am and cry all day and nite long. I try to stay busy but its hard when you can't stop throwing up long enough to get anything done, and I just sit there staring out the window as if I'm waiting for him to drive up. I know that I don't want to be with him anymore, I mean what does it take more then a brick wall to tell me he doesnt care about me but at the same time I'm feeling like I have to continulessly keep looking over my shoulder afraid that hes going to either just come walking in my house like nothing is wrong or he will be slithering around at nite and who knows what,and I'm afraid that I will give in to him if he does come back, and I cant stand that feeling, at the same time as not understanding how he could do this to me (us) and not be able to justify it at all and wanting to see him and talk. I feel like I need the closure real bad so I can start to try and move on with my life like he obviously has, and its driving me crazy. To say the least. I haven't slept for I dont know how long, I dont eat anything hardly at all, not that losing some weight isn't a good thing but I have times when I think I can smell him cooking breakfast or smell his cigerettes, I even think at times I hear him cough or opening up the sliding glass door and I just don't know what to do to get me out of this cave that I'm in and get myself on my feet again and move on. And it doesn't help that he didn't take any of his things with him so I've been having to pack his stuff of 10 yrs. and it to is killing me!!!!!! Help me please, any suggestions will help, I just seem to be so lost of myself that I don't have a clue what I should be doing or feeling or anything for that fact. I've even gone to see a doctor and they said there was nothing they could do to help me. Please I'm begging you, anything will be better then what I have now, which is absolutly nothing. I'm soory it is so long but its the first time I've even put it all together, let alone tell someone about it. Nobody really knows, not even my parents cause then all they will do is worry about me and they do that enough already. Again I'm very sorry for the lenghty letter but I just don't know what to do! Thank you for listening, It helped alittle bit to get it out, I guess. Thanks very much again!

RomanceClass.com Advice
We both know what you need to do, and that is to move on with your life.

I'd say that your best help and resource are your parents. You mentioned that you wouldn't want them to worry about you, but if they care enough to worry about you, then they would also care enought to help you. Just as you would do anything for your kids, they would do the same for you... their kid.

First thing I would do is have your mom come and stay with you for a bit to clean out the house/apt. and then go back home with her. You'll feel better with a change of scenery and some good home cooking and caring parents.

After a few days at your folks' house contact a lawyer and start the paperwork (you know the kind I'm talking about). Makes sure you tell your lawyer everything, including about what you took. Let him advise you what to do with the items. Don't tell your ex unless the lawyer suggests it.

As the days go on, you will probably want to start to look for a job. I would suggest part-time at first. You are still fragile. Getting a job will be good in many ways, but the two most important that I can think of are: 1) You will be able to contribute to your room and board and 2) You will meet new people and maybe even make new friends.

It's going to be a long and hard road and there are no easy answers. In time things will work out for the best. Just point yourself in the right direction and put one foot in front of the other.

Best wishes.

-- from Marc
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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