She Cheated Repeatedly - I Can't Trust Her

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
My g/f has had 3 long term relationships, one basically an extended HS-college relationship, the next bridged from grad school to professional life and then me. She cheated on both of them (a couple of times each). One of the cheatings was only about a year before I started dating her.

I am generally okay with the past being the past (I have some stories that would make her toes curl) but she recently indicated that this last cheating guy is still generally her friend, that they talked about the incident and it was not a huge deal even if it was terribly wrong, etc. The way she talks, it was almost as if the friend got better treatment than her old b/f did.

I have a small issue with her still being friends with the guy. Am I out of line? Advice
I think you're being quite reasonable here. We all do wild things occasionally in life - but cheating isn't as much about sex as it is about breaking trust and lying. When you are with someone in a relationship, you have to be able to trust them completely. You have to trust that they'll come help you if you're in a car accident. You have to trust that they'll help keep you safe. If your girlfriend is going around sleeping around, and you get a sexual disease and are really ill as a result, what then? Being intimate with another person is a huge step for many reasons - and serious sexual diseases is a key one. If she doesn't think there was anything wrong there, then that is a really big problem - because it means she probably won't think twice if it comes up again.

Of course if she has a habit of repeatedly cheating just because it's fun, it might be time to get her to talk to a therapist. Having fun by betraying people who love you is not very healthy. And if she thinks it's no big deal to expose a partner who trusts you to serious illness, for a little romp in the hay, then I would seriously think about putting some distance in here too. It's not like she did this once, learned how awful it was and knows not to do it again. Apparently this is just something she does when the occasion presents itself. And you can never know when the next time she thinks "Oh this will be fun!" will be.

-- from Lisa
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