She says no, but she's acting all strange

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
My girlfriend and I have been dating for 4 years. We had a baby together 8 months ago and live together. My problem is that recently she has been going out all the time with her sister. Now her sister is cheating on her boyfriend and just recently my girlfriend came home at 5:30am. The next morning early she took off to her sisters and didn't say anything to me. When she came home she had a limp and said she was sore. Keep in mind we haven't had sex since before the baby was born. I asked her what happened & why she got home so late she said her ex boyfriend who she claims she really loved and wanted back for so long was at the bar but she didn't really talk him, he was at a different table. She said she left the bar and went over her sisters and that's why she got home so late. The next night we were out together and people who know us told me in private that they were at the bar and she was all over her ex all night. When I asked her about it she said she was with him all night but not all over him. She then said that she left with him in his car and went to his friends house until 5 in the morning but nothing happened. We had one problem like this 4 years ago when we first started going out I found out she slept with my friend the same day she slept with me. She lied about that until she had no choice but to confess because he told me about it. Now I don't know what to think, she says she did nothing wrong and it should be ok for her to leave a bar with her ex and be out all night. I need some advice quickly Advice
It sounds to me like you have reason to be suspicious. She has lied to you repeatedly in just this small conversation and when she's confronted with the evidence. No, it's not ok for her to be out with her ex all night without you knowing what's going on. She could easily have called to let you know what was going on, and if it were on the up and up, then she wouldn't have had a problem telling you about it in the first place. But, I think that there's a bigger issue that you have to address.

That you haven't had sex for over 8 months says that there's something wrong in your relationship that needs attention, or something haywire is bound to happen. If she has stepped out with her ex, it would be from lack of attention in the relationship. This is not to say that she's done anything or that if she did anything that it would be ok. That's clearly not where I'm headed. But you two have lost the intimacy and closeness that is the glue of any relationship. I understand the trials of raising a newborn, I have 4 kids myself. And reconnecting after a birth is a very unsettling thing. Breasts that were sensual are now functional. Her whole sense of self has been transformed, and it takes some doing to rethink it. But it seems that the two of you haven't made that reconnection and things have drifted to the point where she's out all night with someone else.

The two of you need a lot of talking to straighten this out. It might take some professional counselling to work through the issues, but you can give it a shot just one on one to begin with. Find out why the two of you aren't having sex and fix it. Then whatever else is going on will fix itself, provided that what she's seeking outside your relationship can be found within it.

I wish you the best, and let us know how it works out.

-- from Marc
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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