He has a kid with another girl and i dont think i can handle it.

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 months now.I'm 22 years old and hes 24. He loves me very much and I love him too. In fact I love him so much that something hurts me. He has a kid with another girl and i dont think i can handle it. I dont know if it has anything to do with my culture (assyrian), my religion, (catholic), my personality, the way i grew up, or if it has to do with morals but it hurts me and frustrates me soo much that he shares a kid with another girl. IN the beginning of our relationship everything was perfect. Then his kids mom started getting jelous and they started to fight and i felt like a third wheel. Well my point is, it has been eating away at me for 3 months of our relationship now and i think that it has gotten to me so much that i act more irratated towards him and more grumpy because i just wish that things were different. I dont like the fact that she will always be around, that he shared his first kid with her because that should of happened with me...the person you want to share the rest of your life with. I want that first exprience to be with me...but it cant. And i can't handle it. We've been wanting to get married but now im thinking that it may be a bad idea because this feeling will kill me for the rest of my life and it would break up my marriage. It makes me cry a lot at times and i get angry and frustrated and blame myself for ever getting with him. I think my frustration is killing our relationship. He already knows that it bothers me that he shares a kid with another girl and he broke down crying one day when i told him i couldnt handle it. But he wouldnt let me go and it was hard for me to leave him as well. I didnt think i would feel this way until i was exposed to his kid and jelous kids mom. I HATE IT. And sometimes i hate him for it. His kids mom hasnt been a problem lately, but i feel like i could never get over this feeling even though i have tried over and over again. I tell my boyfriend that i try my best and he tells me that maybe im not trying hard enough and that if i really loved him i wouldnt let that be a problem. But you cant help it if you feel a certain way about something and i tried explaining that to him. That even though i love him so much..this feeling is killing me and eating away at me. That's why it hurts me..because i love him. My mom tells me that i deserve more and better than a guy who has a kid with another girl and that i could do better and sometimes i hate to say it..but i feel that way. I dont know what to do..i dont want to let him go but i feel like because of me our relationship will not survive. Do a lot of girls feel this way or is it just me? Am i the only one that cant handle it? Should i not feel this way? Am i just to young at heart? I just wanna know if there are other girls out there that feel the same way i do. Maybe i cant ever handle being with anyone that has a kid with another girl. Help Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RomanceClass.com Advice
We have an excellent site on how to get over jealousy here:
http://www.romanceclass.com/miscr/howto/jealousy/index.asp

While it's normal to feel jealousy, it's certainly not a healthy emotion to carry on for very long and it's a much better idea to process the emotion and get through to the other side so it doesn't poison the relationship. You have a lot to work through, and I highly recommend getting some counselling or discussion with a religious leader to come to grips with this.

Your boyfriend will always have his kid, and he will always have a relationship with his ex because she is the mother of his child. You will either have to deal with this or the relationship is over because there's no working around it.

You are at a stuck point where you're mired in this feeling and you can't figure out how to get out of it. It doesn't just go away on its own, you have to think your way through it. When you feel that jealousy, delve into it and find out why. Is it insecurity? Is it feeling like you come second in the relationship? You mention that you wanted to experience all the "firsts" with him, first love, first child... but that's a silly thing to be stuck on. You will, if you get past this, have all the rest of your life with him. What does it matter that the first was with someone else? The many many other times will outweigh the firsts.

I wish you the best, and I hope you seriously look into counselling to help you through this because otherwise you will end up broken up.

Good luck!

-- from Marc
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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