I have been feeling that maybe he is not the honest person that I thought.

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I recently found out from my brother in law to be that my fiance was involved in one night stands a few times right before I met him. His brother obviously doesn't know that I was not aware. I would normally feel that really in this day and age that it wasn't a big deal, but he told me when we were first intimate that he hadn't been involved with anyone since his ex- wife and he only had three sex partners in his life. We now are engaged with a son and a child on the way. I also have been feeling that maybe he is not the honest person that I thought. He was suppose to quit smoking and I found out that he has been smoking only a cigarette each day? He told me a few times prior to me finding his pack of empty cigarettes that he had a smoke here and there and it was because of his stressful day. He tells me well you knew. No I didn't! I also have been having these feelings that there may have been a woman at his work place that was interested in him and he may have had some sort of interest in her. I put it off at first thinking that it was me, that I have had bad experiences in the past and he is a man and he will cheat, but then I noticed a few things that make me question. I began working at the same place a little after he started, she is very attractive and I noticed that he thought so as well just by the looks. She asked me some personal questions out of the blue, like how long have you been together and does your son sleep through the night. I was a little disturbed and this was my first night at work. I questioned him about her and told him that I thought she was interesed. He said he didn't notice. I also noticed that she seemed uncomfortable around me. One night also she bummed a cigarrette from him and sat right next to him and just the way it was and the feelings in the air were weird. I didn't even know she smoked. Also, we went to a party one time and she was there. I thought well this is my chance to show her he is mine, but as soon as we arrived she took off. I guess there were other things I started to notice, not as much sex, he started wearing clothing to bed, more independance on his part, or everytime I ask him a simple question he thinks I am accusing him. He tells me that he wears clothes because it is cold or that he doesn't want sex because he is tired or mad at me about me thinking he is a cheater. We both are no longer working at this place and now things seem to be better, but I still look back and ask myself what if? He was always home on time, never went out without me. Was he really doing anything? I tell myself he never would, but now I found him still smoking and his brother tells me his little secret. I traveling home to see family a thousand miles away and I am afraid that when I am gone that he may do something. I need to go and let him do his thing, but how will I know if he is honest. I don't want to be alone with two children, but I don't want to be the idiot who finds out later that I should have known. Help!! Please reply as soon as possible, I am leaving here in a few days and I need to know how to approach him about what I have seen in the last three months!! Maybe, some things I could do, to find out the truth. I doubt myself because I don't trust men after my past and he tells me the same that I can't put him in their place, but I have never really questioned any dishonesty from him until now. I may have insinuated that he was looking or joke around but it has never been were I actually was concerned about the weird vibes.

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RomanceClass.com Advice
It sounds to me like there are serious trust and communication issues between the two of you, and that they really need to be fixed before you two get married. Living the way you are now is just eating you up and it definitely can't be good for him either. I strongly suggest counselling sessions to get at the heart of the matters and solve them. Otherwise it will be a wedge between you two and will tear you apart.

The good thing is that he no longer works at that place, and so this woman's not an ongoing presence in his life. Problem is that people don't change and if there were something going on then chances are there will be another woman who catches his interest later and causes this rift between the two of you. So you need to nip it in the bud and solve this now before it's a huge bramble of bushes between the two of you.

I can understand how his lack of honesty when you first met about the sex partners and the ongoing lying about cigarette smoking will cause you to question everything he does. Tell him this, that you don't want to mistrust him but that until he is honest with you in all areas, then you will continue to doubt him in all areas. To me, those lies were meant to keep from hurting you and so they're a little bit better than the lies meant to deceive. But they're still lies and still hurtful. You deserve better than that. And if the relationship is to be a healthy one, then you need to get better than that.

One thing to keep in the back of your mind is that raising two kids alone in a healthy way is MUCH better than raising them in a household divided by lies and deceit. They and you will be much better off than if you stay in a bad relationship. Best, though, would be if you fix this relationship and then everyone will be happy.

Relationships are about trust. Trust is having faith in someone despite any doubts. So trust in him that there's nothing going on that he's hiding. Have faith that he is being true to you. Faith is believing in someone or something even if you don't know for sure if it's true. If an issue comes up later, then deal with it later. Don't kill yourself out of worry beforehand.

Good luck!

-- from Marc
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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