Dealing with an Engagement Breakup

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
Should I have hope that she will come back? I have known girlfriend for five years total and we have been together for the past two, and we have been engaged for a year. She told me she needed time, but it was hard for me not to call her, and of course I did. Now we are broke up.

She still talks to me when I call her, but it is very general. I told her that the door is open, and if she comes back there will be no hard feelings. I also know what brought about the whole break up: it was all the little fights that turned into something more than they should have been. We were also constantly around each other. Its like we built our worlds around each other and it became suffocating to her. I have told her I will fix it, and I know I can. I am giving her the time that she wanted now that she has broken it off with me.

I guess I have two questions: (1)Did she break up with me because I didn't give her space (2)Should I have hope? Keep in mind she hasn't given my ring back and there has been no talk about what to do with our money.

RomanceClass.com Advice
It sounds like what may have happened is that when you went from the rush-of-new-love lust stage into the more steady quiet-love stage that she became worried. Yes, you need to have other interests and not just become wrapped up totally in each other for things to last, and you need to be able to deal with small disagreements well in order to have a long term relationship. But those are things that most couples work out as they go, and learn techniques to handle. For her to completely break up with you even though you were engaged, and to not have discussed the ring or money, makes it seem that there was a *huge* communication gap going on. Instead of talking with you when things were making her unhappy, and working through the issues, she just drew a line and called a break. That's not a good sign as far as being able to maintain a long term relationship.

A relationship should be about two people enjoying each other and enjoying their worlds. And if you were hounding her every second of the day and never letting her go out with friends or have her own hobbies and clinging like a koala bear, then I could see her needing space and asking for some. But if she completely left you and then *didn't want you to call* while keeping your ring, then that's an entirely different matter. A relationship is about two people together working out their problems and finding solutions. It's not about one person running away and saying "I'm going to figure this out on my own and then tell you what *I* have decided." That's not very healthy.

In any case, an engagement ring is a promise of a wedding. It's not a gift. It is a symbol of you two being together. If she has decided to break it off, she needs to give it back to you. In the old days, the engagement ring to the woman was balanced by the dowry the man got after the marriage. So especially since there was no dowry to you, it's completely unfair for her to keep the ring.

Then you two should decide what fairly to do with the joint money. I know it's not easy, no breakup is, and all breakups have to deal with joint possessions and so on. Just get through it as best you can, and I know it'll take a while, but you'll heal from it. Now that you know what to watch for, I'm sure your next relationship will be *much* smoother and you'll end up very happy.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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