Does He Love Me? He's Not Showing It ...

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been engaged for a few months. Since my fiance lives in another city we don't talk much because he goes to school and works full time so all I get from him is a daily call to say hello and I love you. I am having doubts about marrying because he never has time for me.

I don't want to be insensitive to his needs but I believe a man who is about to marry should at least SEEM like he is completely in love. I'm guessing he will be just as busy when I go live with him. He says Im going to have to be doing things alone over there because he won't be able to help me at all (I don't really know the city). Last time I visited him he didn't pay ANY attention to me because he was too tired. I would just be in his apartment dreaming that he would come talk to me instead of sleeping... One of the few times he actually touched my skin was because we were being intimate but other than that he didn't even look at me much. He says he loves me but why can't he stay awake for one hour to talk to the one he says he loves? Am I the one who is being insensitive or is he showing signs that he does not care as much as he says? Advice
First, every couple involves two humans who each have different wants and needs emotionally. So your "disconnect" is not unusual at all. You want attention and proof of his love. He just wants having you around and there, but doesn't feel it's necessarily to prove his love hourly. You can of course look at this from both points of view - you can say from his point of view that love should exist without constant flowers and calls and protestations and poetry. You can say from your point of view that if you two are going to be together, shouldn't you actually *do* things together??

So it always comes down to compromise. No two people are EVER perfectly in sync on this issue. There is always one person who wants more attention and the other person who feels it's not necessary. You need to each decide if what you DO get from the other person is going to be tolerable or not. So either you find that compromise point or you agree to go find someone else who is better matched to you.

Now of course, part of this is temporary. He's in school and won't be in school forever. You might want to put off the wedding until he graduates so that you KNOW what he is going to be like long term. For all you know, once he's out of school he'll join a club and keep himself just as busy. Some people are just that way. They like to be busy. They don't mind being away from their partner most of the time, they just want the partner to "be there" caring for the kids or whatever. Some women are quite happy being the "mom" without having the husband around, it gives them a feeling of independence. Others of course want a husband that is there pretty much all the time.

So in short, I would NOT take his lack of energy as a lack of love. He undoubtedly does love you a great deal. But he's just not the type of person to show it - and his current schedule has drained all his extra energy. You need to realize he is NOT the type of person to constantly show his adoration. If you're someone that thrives on shows of affection, then maybe this is not a good match. If you can learn to accept that he loves you *without* the showy flowers, and be happy hanging out with friends and on your own, then you can be happy. But if you're going to sit home alone in the apartment, never going out and moping because he is not there to "be your full time partner" then you are setting yourself up for misery.

-- Lisa

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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