We both Hated Cheaters, and Then she Cheated

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
Ok, this is gonna be a long story, so brace yourselves. I met my ex girlfriend when we were both 17(I am 22 now). I was her first everything, and she was basically my first everything. She basically chased me for a year, then grew on me. We were in a committed relationship for 3 years, and lived together for half that time.

I could tell in the year she chased me, she was one of the "good girls" out there. She was a virgin prior to me(actually only kissed two guys before me), wasn't into the party scene, and we both shared the same views on cheaters(we despised them). She was great to me, did everything for me, no matter what. I could have given this girl dirt, and she would have loved it...Now, I'm the first to admit, I wasnt perfect. Meaning I had my flaws, like my temper, and some immature jealousy issues, and I think I may have taken her for granted, but nothing I dont think anyone doesnt go through in their first relationship. I would say the first two years were pretty good.

It's the third year that got somewhat difficult. We had our problems, but nothing I didnt think we couldnt get through, and we both still loved eachother very much. I honestly always thought we'd be together, I just didnt envison my life without her...We got engaged last Febuary, and I thought all was great...I thought we were on our way to the rest of our lives together, and got through that bumpy year. But after about 2 months of being engaged..she began to become distant(all this girl wanted our first 2 years together was to marry me).

Finally, one night before bed, we had a little argument, and at my suggestion, I said she needed to get her head cleared, and spend some time at a friends. She agreed. I helped her back, and was 100% considerate to her needs. She told me to think of it as a mini vacation, and she thought she took me for granted. As she walked out, I said.."I have a feeling, if you leave, you're not coming back". She said that wasnt true.

To try and make this story a little shorter, I'll cut some details out. But basically, she never came back, never returned my phone calls, and never gave me a reason why. After almost 4 years, gave me no reason why. Not to mention, did all this when the rent and bills were do. I also had to gibe up our dog, becuase he devolped severe sepration anxiety...I loved that dog so much. We both raised him, so I think it crushed him when she left.

I had to move on with my life, without knowing what happened to a love I thought was so strong. I was dead inside. Then, a month and a half later, I found out the truth...she was cheating on me with a guy for months, and actually moved in with him. Mind you, this is the last girl you would ever think could some something like this. You would just have to know her to be as shocked as me. It turns out this was a guy from her job, and for about a year she was going to him with all our problems, and he played the whole "he doesnt deserve you" crap.

It took me months to recover. I actually forgave her, and moved on with my life, and got over her(or at least convinced myself I was). We kept in touch through some emails, but nothing major. Then one day, she came into my job to say hi. It really didnt effect me at all, but I was glad to see her. Then, a few weeks after that, she began to IM me online, then call me. I must admit, talking to her was like food to my soul. But I didnt let that mess with my head, I was content being friends.

Then, she asked me out for lunch about a week ago, and she shows up wearing MY engagement ring(mind you she is still with this guy, they just broke up for a little). We get caught up in everything, and we tell each other we still love one another. Later that night on the phone she just lets it all out, telling me she regretted leaving me a month after she left, but was afraid I wouldnt take her back becuase she didnt think she ever deserved me for what she did. How every song makes her think of me. How she has never been anywhere close as in love with the guy she is with as she had with me. That she actually has never been in love with him. She even told me she regretted ever meeting this guy, becuase he came bewteen us.

Then the next day, we go to lunch again. We are having a great day, almost like we're back together, holding hands, etc. It was like I was back in time. It felt like we were falling in love all over again. We even discussed if I could trust her again if we got back together(She brought it up)So then, as I go to drop her off, we hug, then I go to kiss her, and she kinda pulls away, saying she cant. And starts crying, saying shes all confused. Then later that night, after all this, get this. She tells me she thinks there isnt romance between us, becuase she said why else would she pull away from kissing me.

I said I dont know, maybe you were scared. I'm sure you can understand I was p*ssed. I didnt yell at her, I just told her..."I was perfectly content in my life, I moved on from you, then you show back up, tell me all these things, then say there isnt any romance!?!"

We have agreed to be friends, yet I keep emailing her everyday saying we cant talk everyday...yet she keeps calling me..and like a fool, I answer. She's like a drug I need to stay away from, yet cant get enough of.

It's funny, I'm sure I know what you will say...that she is young, immature, and doesnt know what she wants. And maybe she even wants to keep me as a saftey net. Yet, I'm telling you, those days we spent together, you could feel it...it wasnt being faked on her part. It was like we were the only people there, yet we were in crowded rooms. I not just saying this becuase I am dillusional, I know this girl still has extremely strong feelings for me, yet is not playing it like she is 100% content just being good friends.

Why do I love a girl so much, that in the end cause me so much pain and embarressment? And do you think she is lying about the romance being gone, just becuase she kinda pulled away from a kiss?

The thing that gets me, is I know I am a great guy. Not to come off cocky, but I have a great personality, good looking, in shape, go to college, work, live on my own, and was loyal to the end to this girl. Yet, no matter who I meet, I compare them to her. No matter who I meet, all I want is her.

Should I cut her off 100% even though I do want her in my life to some degree? We have such a long history, and we are like two peas in a pod..we get along so good, and even as friends, we bring out so many positives in eachother. We are as compatible as they come....man, I'm just confused why this girl would come back in my life, and do this. I really just confused on how I should handle it from this point on.

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RomanceClass.com Advice
It sounds like you have a really good handle on what went on and what was probably going on in her mind. And it does sound like, with you being her first real love and all, that she sort of got both scared at the thought of being married "forever" and also seduced by this other guy that tried to convince her that life with you wasn't perfect. Of course it wasn't, no life is perfect. And yes, she should have been strong enough to resist him, honest enough to tell you the truth when she gave in to him, all those things. But we all make mistakes and she obviously made one and then regretted it.

Some people can't forgive those betrayals, some can. It sounds like you were able to, which is very good of you. And it sounds like she's still confused, if she's being pulled between saying she loves you and thinking just because she's hesitant to kiss you that it means she isn't.

It'll come down to your patience. She's the one who has to settle with herself that she was wrong to act the way she did but that she's going to try again 100% with you and make a firm commitment to honesty and communication. It can't work without that. If she's going to hide or play games or keep the other guy as 'just in case', it won't work.

So sit down with her and say that you still care for her (assuming you do!). And that you know she cares for you. And that of course this won't be easy, nothing in life worth having is. And that being honest and communicative is hard. But that the end result of being *really happy* together is REALLY worth that work. And that you are willing to be open and honest and communicative if she is. And then just vow to each other that even if it's hard, you WILL talk about issues in the future instead of running off to other people. Because the moment you start pouring your heart out to a third person and hiding it from your partner, the relationship has a crack in it that is hard to heal.


-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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This girl is trouble
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