Troubles in our Relationship

Visitor's Question from a 41-50 year old Male
I would like to ask you how to save a relationship that means the world to me. I love her very much and have told her such. Let me start from the beginning on how this relationship started.

We meet in Mexico in while vacationing. I had gotten divorced that past Jan and was getting ready to move to Germany for my job. I was not interested in meeting someone, all I wanted to relax and have some fun. My girlfriend was was there just like me to relax and have some fun too. Neither of us were interested in meeting someone for a relationship. We meet the first night there while eating dinner and had good conversation between us. For the next several evenings we got ate dinner together and had a good time just talking the nights away. We also made love a few of those evenings but told each other that it could not turn into anything else. We spent hours talking and enjoying each others company. I also found out that she was still married but was in the process of getting her divorce.

At the end of the week, we exchanged phone numbers and addresses and went our own ways. I thought I would never hear from her again. A few days later, we got in contact with each other by phone and talked for over an hour. From that point on we have talked on the phone almost everyday and out talks are great. We have so much in common that it is scarey sometimes. I look forward to talking to her on the phone. Since moving to Germany, I flew to her home town for a week over Thanksgiving week and she flew to Germany for a week over Christmas. The times spent together are magical. We both love the affection that each of us give to the other. There are no words other than MAGICAL.

The problem is she thinks that I am putting pressure on her for marriage. I keep telling her that if I am, I am not trying to. Neither of us are ready for marriage but I also told her that I didn't want to wait 3 or 4 years either. She is 36 years old and I am 46 years old. She thought since I bought her an expensive Christmas present, diamond and pearl necklace and earings that I was leading toward marriage which I was not. I saw then and I thought she would look beautiful in them, and she does. I have also bought her flowers to be delivered to her house 3 or 4 times also and I think she thinks the same way. I just loving doing things for the person that I love, which is her.

Another problem we have is that she likes to go to group meetings and that and when she tells me about them, sometimes I make a comment about I am not sure how she does that and she thinks I am critizing her, which is not what I am doing or at least not trying to. She recently lost her father whom she told me that she did not love becasue of some abuse earlier in her life but has been depressed since his death. I think it because she will not get a chance to resolve her problems with him and now has to live with the idea of not telling her father that she loved him. Since she has been depressed, it has made things tougher on us. Our conversations have not been the same since and it has caused some problems with us.

I love her very much and do not want to lose her. She has a special place in my heart and as I said before, we love being around each other. I am still in Germany for another 2.5 years and she and her kids (2 of them) love where they are and don't want to move right now. She is also trying to start a business there with a girl friend of hers. I just want her in my life even if it means being apart like we are as long as we can see each other 3 or times a year. Advice
I think the main warning I have here is that you BOTH were dating on the rebound. Both of you were escaping from bad relationships, both of you found each other and things seemed magical and brilliant. That is often how rebound relationships seem at first. Only time can tell, once you get past the rebound stage and are more healthy again, just how a relationship will really stand the test of time.

2 or 3 years is nothing compared to a lifetime. Work on your long distance relationship just as any other couple does - staying in contact, sharing your lives, following the other tips I have on the site. Don't expect the entire relationship to follow the same 'glorious' moments as its inception did - what you had in that first vacation time was not only the 'rebound' stage but also the 'vacation' stage which both are equally notorious for how they put rose-colored glasses on things. Come to accept what you two REALLY have together, in the real world, and work on that.

If you two were meant to be, it will work out, if you both work at it. Her fears of pressure and your fears of losing her will all fade away as you prove to each other your long term commitment.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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