The evidence if overwhelming. He is the classic abuser. They are always loving,charming,kind and follow the same patterns of abuse.
1. anything can set them off on a rage. More often than not it is something very small. A comment. A mistake with a meal. A chore undone.
2. They begin most often with a criticism and pointing out the mistake. They continue to build rage while becoming more and more verbaly abusive.
3. The episode escallates until screaming and slapping or hitting happens.
4. Usually the person is drinking or using drugs and as the episode evolves they start picking apart almost everything as if they are looking for a reason to be angry.
5. Within hours or by the next morning they are grief stricken and apologetic and apologising and promising not to do it again. They usually do wonderful things to make up for the abuse. They often cry and appear so upset that you think that if you don't forgive them they may even harm themselves. They sometimes make promises to quit drinking but it usually only lasts a week or two at most and starts again.
6. They usually control every aspect of the marriage. They work and insist that the wife stay at home. They control how much money is given the spouse. They usually make all the decisions about where to go and when. They dictate what the spouse wears in clothing. They usually discourage outside friendships even with family members, especially ones that don't approve of them.They question the spouse about where they go and who they see. They display suspiciousness and jealousy.
7. The anger and physical abuse always gets worse with each episode.
8. The anger and physical abuse extends to extended family members.
9. Finally,the anger and phisical abuse always extends to the children and they display unfair expectations for even small children.
10. Often the children are also sexualy abused
Most abusive persons are not alcholics with problems. They are emotionally ill persons who drink. The chances of an abusive person changing with or without professional care if poor. However, without professional care and help the chance is almost non existant.
The chance that an abusive person will severly hurt, criple, mentaly damage or kill his spouse and children is very high.
The chance that the children who witness abuse will go on to abuse their own families is very high.
If you read this and said oh my god, that is my husband, then be sure that you realize the last four statements are true also.
I know that you love him, no one is saying that he is not lovable. We are saying that you need help from a professional for yourself so that you can deal with the damage this relationship has already done to you. Please talk to someone who can tell you just how dangerous this is for you and your child and who can council you before you do anything else. Please do not tell this man about anything you have done that you feel guilty about. You need to take care of yourself for your little girl. You are worth more than he has convinced you you are worth. You are priceless to your daughter. Your heart chose badly, please don't let your head do likewise. Make a plan and find a safe place to live and then get help to put your life back together. If he is going to heal and improve he will do it without you putting yourself and your daughter in harms way by contacting him.
