Jealous Me
I am a product of a jealous father. In the beginning of my dating life knowing this fact I tried to be overly trustworthy to people that were not worth my trust. I guess I did this to forcefully de-bunk my inherited trait.
What it lead to was me being taken advantage of repeatedly. So I became jaded toward women in general and stopped dating seriously. I would only be with women that I did not respect and in turn lost respect for myself, something I cherished before.
I got sick of this lifestyle and met a woman that I cared for and thought I could trust. This is when I realized that my jealousy had gone into overdrive. I would say stupid things and get mad for no reason. Later I would feel horrible and full of regret. The truth was that I knew how I was acting and felt everyvtime my girlfriend was ANYTHING with someone else it was the worst possible situation, she was back with her ex, etc. Eventually these episodes drove her away, it crushed me. And the sad part was I knew before and after that she was faithful.
Another issue I had was that I would hold her past against her and belittle her for mistakes she made in the past. She had the courage to tell me, and I was just exploiting her trust in me.
So recently I have been in the best relationship in my life controlling my jealousy, or so I thought. A few drinks too many and I was the old me. I was digging for info and was told something that made me the jealous ass that I despised. I made her cry over something totally insignificant and in comparison to MY past actions nothing. I was holding her to a higher standard then I held myself and abusing her trust in me.
She forgave me but I still feel guilty.
What I am learning is that these feelings of jealously stem from my own past, when I was taken advantage of and when I took advantage of easy women who had no respect for themselves.
I need to control this feeling, realizing it is a problem is no longer enough. I, like most jealous people, need to find the confidence in myself to not jump to conclusions or think the worst of a situation or I will never have a healthy relationship with anyone.
What is making me change and bite my tongue when I feel these feelings is my love for this woman. I refuse to loose someone I love because of me (again). And that is the grand realization.
If you love someone and trust them, then let those feeling blind the jealous ones. Why suffer with the what if, with the jealousy and pain that comes from with in. Instead I would rather feel the extent of this love that I have found and enjoy our time together as well as our time apart.
If she is unfaithful then why would I want to be with her anyway, but I am not going to let the idea of this get into my head and fog the truth. I love her but I also love myself and realize that jealous thoughts are simply a reflection of my own insecurity.
So when a jealous thought happens to pop into my head I am just going to think . . . I am a better man than this emotion, I am bigger than this feeling, and our love and trust is stronger than any fear I may have.
Will the jealous feeling go away quickly? I doubt it. But eventually, given time I believe true love and the maturing of my emotions can and will overcome my demon.
I hope this helps anyone like me, or anyone who is with someone like me.
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