If it isn't Real , why does it Hurt so much?
I met a wonderful guy Almost four years ago on a chat site, which I had rarely visited, just was lonely one night and needed a distraction and somebody to talk to.
I remember that i was getting messages from some real jerks, so i decided to private message a couple of guys myself just to see what reaction i got.I said Hello to this one guy and he came back with " Im not here for a dirty conversation" I smiled to myself as i wrote "well finally a decent guy I am just up for conversation myself."
I added him to MSN and at first we barely spoke to me in the months after, he seemed quiet and we didnt really have a lot in common, but oneday and I dont really know when something changed. the conversations became more regular, we laughed , we cried , we shared secrets, I seen photos and webcam, we shared some letters , emails,text,phone calls' it all became a daily occurrance to speak. And if i never got to hear his voice or to see his name pop up on the screen, I would miss him.
We got along perfectly, we had our share of minor arguments, but nothing out of the ordinary. Oneday he told me he thought he was falling in love with me and I responded by declaring the same.
We Had something, I mean your head tells you a million different things , but when your heart tells you just one thing you tend to listen, really listen. I,ve been in relationships before in real life. Healthy ones with some great and not so great guys, but I can honsetly say this guy knew more about me then any of them. we got to know inside ourselves first.
The hardest thing was that we had never met. How can you feel like this without ever touching someone?
how could you be in love if you have never felt there kiss, if you have never looked into there eyes, or held each other. I still dont know. I dont have that answer, thats why I can only say what i feel.
we never classified ourselves in a relationship as such, but we both got jealous if someone came into our lives or tried to, we both stayed true to each other because it felt right and we knew it would mean losing what we had if we were to pursue someone else.
I booked my trip for the end of this year, I was so excited, Finally i would meet the man i had fallen for so hard.
The beginning of this year something changed in him. he got a new job , I barely heard from him, time difference meant he was too tired to talk. I understood that but it just felt like there was something else.
I was right. Nothing had yet come of it but he had met another girl and had feelings for her. He had never asked her out or touched her or told her , but i felt so shattered. Still do.
That was the beginning of the end. We talked so much it hurt, he kept pushing me away but then would pull me back in. Not once would he say he loved me again like he had before but he treated me the same, like I was the only girl in the world for him.
3 weeks later its all changed again. I know he struggles to love me so far away, but I struggle more to lose him from so far away.He means the world to me and is one of my best friends and more. Valentines day was like a cruel taunt that he had moved on. I miss him. I love him.
Its hard to let go of something you never really had, but its even harder when you know its everything you ever wanted. I just wanted more. Losing him I feel like i wasnt enough to keep him here , to stop him from walking away.
I know he loves me , I also know that he thinks he is doing this for me as well to get on with my life. I just wish he wouldnt.
Now im going to America with an empty heart. My purpose isnt there anymore but I will go and smile and live my life.
I,m 30 and that is my story. I,m not a desperate, im just a woman who found Love on the Internet. It was real , and beautiful , and amazing, Just like the hurt when I realized he just couldnt do it anymore.
I dont really know what my Tip is for you all, But i will say always listen to your head, but dont be afraid to open your heart. When it aches it is letting you know it is real.
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