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Clothed in so many tears

To the most stupid cupid,

I never realized before just how much of my whole being was missing when he left me. It was I who proved myself that you would only attain the value of someone when he is gone. And now I’m telling you, YOU are so stupid that you gave him to me. How I wish you never darted an arrow on my heart unto him… that I would never feel this, tied in bondage of pain, clothed in so much tears, hiding myself in a blanket of lies.

Yeah, you knew it. It wasn’t my first time to feel I was loved. But it was my first time to know what love really means. I had a strange feeling to my “Mr. Guy” whom I knew I couldn’t be with, knowing the reality that I was knotted with rope of the words of my parents… Studies first -what moms and dads always tell to their kids. But that guy knew it somehow.” I won’t stop loving you still. I’ll wait,” he said. Until, chances brought us together. I remembered the whole day we were together in a camp, but take note my protective brother was there too (laughs), the day we were with my 16 classmates in a jeep and of course he paid for all of us, the moment we were in McDonald’s with my friends – enjoying ourselves together, hoping time would stop. It was really a gift that he was there with me, feeling he would pluck the stars for me, walk across the sea just to be there beside me. Aahh, how colorful my life was! He was also like a flicker of light guiding me in the darkness of confusion and despair. Suddenly, conflicts between him and my studies pulled me away from him. It was one week that I was “too busy”; too busy to text him, too busy to even say “Hi,” too busy to remember his birthday and most of all too busy to recall his name. Then just like a dream, or should I say
n i g h t m a r e… I woke up just to find out time had taken him away from me. My eyes were already filled with tears when I read his message, bidding good-bye. I cried myself out. But I hid what I was feeling, pretending it was “ok”. The next day, I unexpectedly received a bouquet of red roses. By then, I was touched not because of the expensive looking flowers but it was the note. It said:

I still love you…

Come on, cupid! You are so great that the arrow you darted didn’t break us apart. (I thought at that moment)

I was so grateful then that he was still there. That night, the phone rang and it was for me. I thought it was he. But, it was my long lost friend. He called for a talk. He told me the worst story I ever heard of. He mentioned about “Mr. Guy” and the girl he was courting. And it was not I! I was shocked! But I chose to trust “Mr. Guy” and not to believe my friend. Still, I sent “Mr. Guy” a message-asking the girl’s number which my cousin was asking for. It was a lie just to know what was the true story. I was confident then that he couldn’t do that to me. But, I was wrong. He reacted to what I assumed and said…”SORRY”. I felt bad. I never knew that it could happen. He told me that he was tempted to do it at the time I was “too busy”.

Cupid, and that’s it? After
Taking aside those people who cared for me before him??? Why on earth, it was I who was experiencing such things? WHY?

But you know what, every time I see the girl who seems to be good in her angel face and whispering voice, I think “Mr. Guy” had a reason why he did it. Though I hated him so much, I’m still longing for him. (Huh??) I don’t know if I am the one waiting for him now. (What??) My! How I wish I had the attitude to fight! If you are a stupid cupid, then I am probably the most stupid being. Well, he admitted to me that he had done a big mistake. But I had done worse than what he did. I was the one to neglect him first, getting busy all day. Days past, we had no communication, not getting bother with one another. Still, he was the one in my mind. I was pretending again that I wasn’t affected. I was waiting for him to call up but he didn’t. I supposed he had forgotten me, that he really loved the girl now. I was controlling myself not to show any reaction of what had happened. However, I can’t stop myself to text him at that time. He told me he was fine and he was getting to know her more. Weeks past, I just heard that the girl was falling for him. I didn’t know what to feel. I just cried, reminiscing my memories with him. It’s over! Finally after sometime, I was learning to let him go. I decided to forget him, not to feel anything. Then suddenly, he just texted me feeling depressed. The girl left him. As a friend, I did comfort him somehow. Yeah, it was a stupid thing to do. I even helped them to be together again. I didn’t know what the hell was pushing me to do that or it was just a heavenly thing to help someone. But it became useless when the girl just snubbed what “Mr. Guy” has tried to show unto her. I don’t know at this point of time what would happen to the two of them. Would I still help? Would I just keep on pretending? Would he still be “Mr. Guy”? Cupid, would you be stupid to dart an arrow again? Come on, I don’t know! This time, I don’t know what to think and feel every time he’s asking, “Babalik pa kaya siya sa akin?” One thing is certain; I still have the strange feelings I have felt since I met him.

Now, I don’t know what would be the end of my story. I’m still finding answers in my own questions. Loving seems an ordinary thing, but it means a lot when you felt the same as I do, cupid. I don’t want to hide in this blanket of lies anymore. I want to show up and say the three words I never said unto him if only he would give me the chance…again…



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