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I love you...always will

I love you...always will
by Regretful Romantic

Quite a while ago, 5 years to be precise, I started my first year at varsity. I met a girl who later became the single closest friend I’d ever had. Her name was *F. She trusted me like she did no other guy and we grew closer with every day that passed by.
A year passed and at the start of our second year, I met and fell ‘in love’ with a girl I sort of knew from school days…*A. Everything was bliss. We were ecstatic together and made ‘the perfect couple’. We had our ups and downs but on the whole everything was too perfect to be true. *F was also very happy that I had finally found the sappy romance I had longed for all my life. *A and I were inseparable. We lived in a world of our own and *F and I hardly saw each other for quite a while to come. Yet that friendship remained strong as ever…if not stronger. 2 years came and went with *A and I happy beyond belief. I had planned now to propose to her and arranged everything. Unfortunately, 3 days before I was to execute my master plan, she broke up with me saying she loved me, but she wasn’t ‘in love’ with me.

Needless to say, I took it really bad. First came denial, then sorrow and depression, then self pity, then anger and eventually acceptance. However, I couldn’t have come to terms with it were it not for *F who was there, waiting, bearing a shoulder, with friendship and support (as I said) stronger than ever before. She was my guardian ANGEL and we could always read each other so well. It took a while for me to get over *A, but eventually I began to see why she had to do what she did and learnt oodles of lessons from my experience with what I thought was my first true love.

But that isn’t the tragedy I want to tell you about. No. That is the prelude.

*F and I spent much more time together in the months to come. My break-up with *A happened at the beginning of 2004. Now that I was around again, *F finally had an opportunity to give me some good news that she’d been dieing to tell me had I been around before. So she called me up in the April break and said she needed to tell me something but she wanted to tell me in person and wanted me to be the first to know. She said she didn’t bring it up earlier because she knew I needed the spotlight what with all my troubles and depression. So we got back to varsity and she sat me down and told me…she was getting married. Being so close to her I was overjoyed to hear this. Her parents had found the guy for her and being a simple girl with very traditional values, all she wanted was to be married and please her parents. But as I said, we could always read each other so well…and something just didn’t sit well…I knew something was wrong.

A few more months went by and I noticed her one day looking awfully disturbed. When I asked her about it, she told me that things weren’t going so rosy and she wasn’t sure about this guy as some unsettling events had happened. We took it slow and talked about it over a few days. Then she dropped the bombshell – there was another reason why she wasn’t entirely happy about this engagement. In one courageous effort, she spilt everything. She told me how she’d always loved me from our first year (2001) and how she’d hoped and been shattered when I found *A. And when she’d moved on and was getting married, I broke up with A and was now there again, but she was engaged to be – she still loved me and said she wanted to marry me and not him. She even made lists of pros and cons – one for me, and one for him. His was an endless list; mine had just one thing – I smoke (she laughed as she told me that). What was I to do? The thought of *F and I together had crossed my mind before but I’d always quickly dismissed it. She was just my best friend wasn’t she?

The problem was…it was a bit too late. The wedding was less than 3 months away. Being so unsure of my feelings for *F I couldn’t possibly break up a ‘happy home’ on account of just an opportunity. If my feelings for her were merely friendship I’d mess up her opportunity at her marriage and future. I told her I didn’t like this guy, and that she shouldn’t marry him…not for me, but for herself…irrespective of where ‘we’ stood. Her parents and family on the other hand said he was a superb boy, from a really good, respected family. And so, not wanting to disappoint them, she stuck in there.

After finals, she said her goodbyes to all the friends, knowing she was leaving this life for a totally different one. She greeted them off, one by one, then came to me and burst into tears. She couldn’t say goodbye, so I told her not to. That I’d always be with her and that our bond would never die.

In December 2004, I attended the saddest wedding I’d ever been to. I walked into the reception hall, trying to keep a low profile to hide the mixed emotions on my face. As I stood to one side and glanced forward…there they were…newlyweds, laughing, smiling, so happy. I remember feeling my heart sink to a new low when I saw her. I’m still not sure if that feeling was because I knew my best friend was leaving me, or because she looked so beautiful in white and I regretted not stopping her when I had the chance.

A few minutes passed and she spotted me trying to conceal myself at the rear doorway. Our eyes met. And those smiles faded away. I’ll never forget the look in her eyes. I’ve never seen so much emotion show through in one person’s eyes. She was going to tear again and I had to do something lest everyone began to wonder what was going on. So I walked up to the newlyweds and gave a huge smile with hearty congratulations. Once she began smiling again I knew my job was done so I made my goodbyes and exited for a smoke with the buddies.
Time flew catching up on old times outside and before we knew it the reception was over and the couple were exiting too. About to get into the ‘just married’ car I wished them good luck again and asked him to look after our *F. His reply rang out loud and clear, “You think I’d leave her with you losers?!?”
I smiled and replied, “Well I guess the second best man won after all hey?” *F smiled on hearing that. And then she was gone.

In the months to come, I began to miss *F more than I thought I would and eventually confessed to *L(my best buddy…guy buddy) that I should have told her to wait and I think I always loved her. But it was definitely too late now. She was gone.

The year flew by with us spotting each other on campus but not getting a chance to speak lest her uptight husband and in-laws get another impression. I missed her…immensely.

And now I find myself here, telling all of you my sad story. Confused and bewildered. Seems as though the twists to this tale never end. You see, a year later, the beginning of this month that is, I received an sms from her saying she really could use a friend right about now. What happened? Well, seems my gut instinct about this guy was right. *F just got divorced, and here we are now…with roles reversed…it’s my turn to share a shoulder.

One thing’s for sure…she means the world to me and I will do anything within my power to keep her happy. I will rescue her from this misery…in whatever way fate has it planned…

I love you *F
It took me a while to realise it, but I always have…


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