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I was sent to Iraq by my company (not for financial diffulties just to gain some experience in my job) to work there for a couple of months in March 2005. Besides having the difficulties in a war place as a young girl, I was also feeling lonely in an unsocial life ,on a base where using almost every facility was forbidden for civillians. One day during my daily routine I met this American security guy (not a soldier) nearby his office, and the first thing I noticed about him was his kindness and helpfulness. It was almost impossible not to notice this big man with a long beard and moustache covering half of his face. He served me tea in his office one day and we listened to music while having a little talk about ourselves. He wasnt the kind that liked talking much actualy, however I was successful to get him talk. After being involved in a minor security issue happened within my company I was the one explained everything to him and we became closer after that. He would stop by my office to say hi and see me for a couple of minutes during the day. We got to know eachother better day by day. One day he opened up to me about his private life . He said he was already divorced but had decided to become a family again with his ex and then he got confused after having met me. I read through his mind and told him not to wipe out his commitments. He seemed solid in his decision later and said he refused to go back since he beleived he wouldnt be happy. He talked me over and over into being together and said I was the one he was looking for. He was so sincere that I couldnt refuse him cause I had already fallen for him as he did for me. All we could do was seeing eachother for a couple of short times during a day and chatting on the internet about our future. He became the only reason I put up with working there. I could never deny that he helped me in any way he could and treasured me. Every person around me had noticed the happiness and glitters in my eyes. I could feel his heartbeat whenever I gave him a hug closely. We made plans for our summer holiday which was going to last 12 days, dreamed about how it would be wonderful being in eachother’s arms and doing the stuff we couldnt do there.As my departure date was getting closer I was both feeling miserable and glad.He seemed happy cause he wanted me be back home safely and beleived it wasnt the place I belonged to. We were both looking forward to our vacation in a coastal city of Turkey.We were keeping in touch through the internet and phone and waiting for the day we be toghether.I dont know how he spent his days but he was on my mind every night and every morning . Although he was full of doubts that my feelings for him would fade away when I left there but he was completely wrong ,on the contrary my feelings ,love and desire for him mounted. He was thinking ahead, even marriage,and wanted me to give it a chance together in the states. I finally decided to leave everything here in Turkey and follow my heart with him and let him take me where ever he’d take me to.Soon I told him I was ready and would be waiting for him till he completed his task in Iraq although I was concerned about my career in the states. But he made me beleive in every opportunity life was to bring us. He said he was extremely happy to hear it and was grateful.
Finaly we both made it to the coastal city of Turkey, I was there before him waiting in the hotel room with the biggest excitement inside me.I cant describe how I felt when I saw him in front of me.Somehow the next day he wasnt the person always saying ‘I wish I were there with you’.He was acting weird, he wasnt the man I had been imagining.I was such an idiot that I didnt realise it in the first 3 days cause I thought I didnt know him very well, perhaps it was his natural acting. I thought I was being paranoid and I couldnt stop being grumpy. It was out of my control being rude and getting mad at most things with the thought he didnt love me anymore. I was also scared cause I had not given myself to anybody before and he was the man I wanted to do it with. I couldnt do it within the first 3 days of our vacation, it hurt so much although I was ready. He didnt force me and was not frustrated just because I couldnt do it.He was like living in his own world. I even cried one morning after a second try, but still couldnt do it, and he said he wanted to hold me. I attributed his generally weird acting towards me to not giving my self to him on purpose. However, I wasnt. On the third night, I drank so much and so fast at the bar, to get myself ready for the night. I managed to do it that night but there was no bleeding after it. I was both excited being able to do it but confused. I told him how much I was feeling excited but I had no idea why there was no blood. He was lying on the far side of the bed not even touching me or saying something nice. I lied next to him and almost begged him to talk to me. All he said was not to worry about it and that he was happy it wasnt horrible for me. I didnt know what to do but sleep. It shouldnt have happened like this way. I did deserve some affection and care. I was even feeling numb not knowing how to react against his disrespect. We did it the very next morning again which I didnt feel anything but pain. Finaly it was bleeding and it was an evidence if he beleived I lied to him. Nothing changed, he was still the same, not talking,not playing not showing any interest, all he did was scanning the horizon through his sunglasses, drinking beer,eating and standing in the ocean and smiling at me once in a while. Why couldnt we be a couple like the others at the hotel?
It was the fifth night I said it hurt while he was inside and he asked if I wanted it or not angirily. I didnt say anything or ask till dinner time. I asked him why he was being rude to me, I said I wish it didnt hurt but there was nothing I could do about it. He said he was sorry and he was going to tell me the things on his mind. After the dinner, he said he didnt know what happened to him and that he screwed up everything, nothing particular. I said I understood and wasnt expecting anything from him. I felt constrained and was even late to leave the hotel, I reserved my ticket that night for the next day. I cried in front of him in bed. I said he was on my mind everymorning and everynight. He said I was on his mind too but he didnt know what happened and again he was so sorry. I didnt feel ashamed to ask for one of his worn t-shirt and sprayed his perfume on the t-shirt so that I could smell it in the absence of him. I left the hotel early on the sixth day of our vacation, he didnt come to see me off. He held me, kissed me on my forehead and said he would miss me. I said I would love him for a long time and miss him so much. I was headed for the bus station in a cab going to the down town, speaking with one of my closest friend on the phone and telling her that everything was over as I was crying.
2 hours left to my departure ,feeling miserable I wandered the streets we walked, I passed by the stores we shopped, I looked inside the bar we had booze and even thought if I should take my own life to ged rid of this grief. Thanks to my friends, they consoled me through my mobile.
I would like to hear how you would react if you were in my shoes.I understand now its not useful questioning the past anymore cause it was not something I could have helped. What cant be cured must be endured.


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