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I knew in my heart that I was going to marry him one day

I have been broken up for 4 months, coming on 5. I always ask myself when will I get over this??? Because I really haven't yet...Some days, I'm fine, but other days, I begin to cry or are on the verge of crying.

I have spoken to people about my relationship with K.C. I don't want to mention his name because he may actually fall upon this website and read this story! Most people tell me that break ups are hard, and that I will get better; there will be someone else to come in my life....

I believe all of that and don't dispute it, but my mind always goes back to K.C. and the dreams we wanted to have together as a married couple. He spoke about marrying me more than I on marrying him. He gave me a "promise/friendship" ring and put it on my left wedding finger after buying it. The ring was only $5, but it meant a lot to me and it was so pretty.

He wanted to have a family with me, and since he was or is an architect major, he asked me what kind of house I wanted. He would go as far as touching my belly referencing that his children were going to be in there one day. My stomach tends to get "bloaded" when I eat a big meal, so when K.C. saw this, he would reference to children.

He genuinely loved me and proclaimed this to me everyday he saw me or spoke to me over the phone. He helped me as a person in expressing my feelings, and made me a better person, striving to be the best that I could be.

We told our secrets and learned about the others anatamy more specifically. He knew about the "period" panties that I wore only during that time!! :) He even saw them when he was helping me fold my clothes. I was embarrassed, but he didn't care.

He painted my toe nails and washed my hair. We spoke about race relationships and politics. He burned me CD's of music that I hadn't heard in 5-10 years that I would record on the radio before even knowing he existed!

He was my true love. Today, he's on the other side of the world in Asia. We last saw one another in Hawaii, where he came to my place at 11pm and gave me an orchid lei with his cologne that he wore in a plastic bag. He told me to keep the cologne, as it will remind me of him when I smell it. He spent his last night in O'ahu with me, while his parents were at his home making sure that everything was ready to go. His parents came to town from Taiwan to help him pack and put things in storage.

Seeing him that night I will never forget, because he cried and cried until his face was pink. He even had on a pink shirt with blue jean shorts, along with a white towel hanging from his back pocket. I remember how he smelled so good, and had on his "K" necklace that was given to him at birth, with his name written in Chinese on the back. I held him in my arms on my bed, with my lei on :) He was literally upset in leaving Hawaii to head to Shanghai for an internship...But I knew he and I would be okay. The experience of going to Shanghai to work at a top architect firm would be something he would always remember.

We wrote one another almost every 2 days via email. My emails always consisted of me missing him so...After a while, he took what I wrote too seriously and began to not be as productive in his work.

He sent me a jacket from Shanghai for Valentine's. The next month, we weren't writing love notes anymore because he felt "enveloped". I called him after reading that at his job in Shanghai. We spoke for a minute because the call was expensive. We settled things, with me telling him that I do miss him, but not the way he thought. I told him to do well in Shanghai and that I loved him. He said he loved me too, and actually chuckled when I told him that I missed him, but not to the point where I'm DYING!

5 days later, our relationship ended. What he did hurt me like a ton of bricks falling on me. He didn't have sex with anyone....At least I hope he didn't. I doubt if he did anything and I know that he lied to me, but we aren't speaking. I have tried to communicate with him via email and MySpace, but I haven't had any results. I will not be the one to beg for his attention anymore, because I have done it before, with him falling for the trap...I can't do it again because it will show that I'm desperate, begging him back.

It is hard, being in love with someone who's just like you, only male, 5 years younger and of another race. We didn't have EVERYTHING in common, but we were a match, spending precious and loving times together. He was my best friend; my homey. He made me feel like a true princess, being so loved and adored. Now, he's the opposite, writing to me as though he's a different person from the one I knew in Hawaii.

I don't know what to think. K.C. has such low self-esteem, always telling me that he didn't deserve someone like me, but on the other hand, telling me that he had fallen in love, as though I was his first love. I made him a better person; happier....

As a Christian though, I have prayed and prayed, asking God to help me with this one. God and my mother and aunt know how much I cared for this person; how much I actually loved him. The feelings that I have as I write this are there, and I cannot rid them. I sometimes think that I should just ignore them, because I may not see K.C. ever again; he may not be "the one"; he's in Asia and may just stay there and not return back to Hawaii or the other states next year.

I have tried thinking that way, but the feelings that I have will not go away. Not yet anyway. I always wonder if I'll see K.C. again, knowing that he has an older sister in CA and brother, both living with their families. Will he come out to renew his Visa? Will he continue his internship in TX? I don't know...

I have been out with other guys on lunch dates and even had a crush on some, but at the end of the day, my thoughts go back to K.C. and his smile. He was the love of my life, and I knew in my heart that I was going to marry him one day. I loved him, and still do.

Thanks for reading this...


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