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And thats how i gave up on love.

How I gave up on love

I'll start from what i consider my 1st boyfriend. We met, hated eachother at first but suddenly we startd feeling different about eachother. He was a shy boy so i didn't know for the longest time untill finally he gave me a yellow post-it note in his illegibal hand writing asking me out to the new star wars movie. I was extremely happy, naturally. We went out and were technically together for 3 years. We'd go out and then he would call me his x then we would go out again and he would say i was his x. I had no idea what was going through his mind. But this was middle school and we were young so i forgave him for him childish incoherent behavior. We ended the school year with a date and a whole day together during a school trip where i make it clear to him how i felt about him. Then freshmen year of high school he acted like nothing happened, got a new girlfriend and claimed that he was "in love" with her. The next year, i realized i liked him alot and cared for him a great deal. It made me happy when he was happy and the only thing that i could think about was being in his arms. 3 more girlfriends later, i still dont know what to do, should i tell him? should i not? I ended up telling be, he sorta laughed and said he liked me more as a friend (which he never treated me like one) i didnt know what to do, i liked being near him and it just hurt i guess. I was hung up on him and it was rediculous i thought. This has to end. He'll never care for me. I just couldn't look at him everyday in the hallway snuggling and kissing his girlfriend (we have the same group of friends and sit in the same area). The more days that went by, the more i yearned for love or someone to care for who would care for me back. He later accused me of giving him a drink everyday after gym class as leverage from hugs (dont have any idea where the hell he got that) then accused me of trying to tell everyone that his girlfriend is a slut (which i didnt seeing as how i dont know her) after months of being rude and mean to me without telling my why. Still now i cant stop caring about him even though i hate him so much at the same time. I came to realize how retarded he was and how he would always assume the worst of me no matter what. While all this was happening i met my friends brother. The first time i saw him i thought he was really cute. I started talking to him and found that he was a GREAT person. He was considerate and funny and everything a girl could hope for in a guy, only one catch. He was in love with his x-girlfriend, like madly in love with her. So the first problem i was stuck with (before my friendship fell out with the boy whom i dated) was which one is more important? I realized very quickly it was my friend's brother. Second problem, what do i do and how do i handle the situation. The first guy left me basically heart brocken and love sick, because i have never been held or cared for by another guy and in a way never been kissed. I soon realized, i have no chance with my friend's brother, he was deeply in love with his x-girlfriend and it is very obvious she loves him too only she is in denial about it and has many problems that may be stopping her from being with him. It really did hurt to see them together, seeing them gaze into eachothers eyes like they were the only ones in the universe and it hurt that the boy i had been with before thought so terribly of me. All this has spanned over 6 years and during that time, every guy i had cared for felt nothing for me and hardly even noticed i existed and the one person i was closest to loving thought i was a bad person and couldnt care less if i died. Everything just seems hopeless. I have gotten very bitter to the point where i dotn care for anyone at all and i find it hard to show affection, affection even makes me uncomfortable and makes me feel like vomiting. I feel its best that i dont ever have someone and i think it best now that i stay alone. I am done, i am done with love, trying to find someone. I am just done with all of. I have grown tired or crashing and burning and things always ending in disappointment. Sometimes I do yearn for love and wich to have it, have someone close, need me like i need them, want to hold me and want to have me hold them but to me its just a pipe dream and a waste of energy.

And thats how i gave up on love.


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