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FRIEND... i hate that word..

well.. im 15 and im in love with a friend of mine... 2 months ago, G was courting me... he's a college student at my school and im only a high school senior... i told my friend P about him and he decided to talk to him.. see if G is serious about me.. turns out he really is.. anyways.. after a few weeks, G and i started to date.. during the time that we're dating, P and i talk, hang out and chat.. i enjoy hanging out with him and i think he enjoys hanging out with me too...

well, P's affectionate.. he'd hold my hand or he'd hug me at times.. it doesnt bother me.. i kinda like it when he does that.. but my feeling for my bf started to change.. he's way too immature for me and sometimes he would annoy me up to the point that i would want to slap him... and then i realized something.. i think i was falling for P! i was so confused about my feelings.. i didnt know what to do... my bf loved me so much and there i was loving someone else.. i knew i had to end it.. but i didnt know how...

i avoided G for a couple of days and i woudnt return his texts.. i think he got the message so he came up to me at school and asked my whats up.. i told him i didnt love him anymore.. (i know its harsh but what can i do? what else can i say? but i didnt tell him that i was in love with P though..) we broke up. he accepted it and we're still friends up to this day..

one day, in our school's corridors, i saw P.. i approached him and we chatted for awhile.. but then i saw writings on P's hand.. it says "ilove*beep*". i was so shocked that i ran back to my classroom.. i cried the whole day.. that afternoon, he came up to me and asked why my nose and eyes were red... i told him that my heart was broken.. and hen he asked by whom... i didnt know what to say.. so i was silent for awhile.. i prayed that he'd walk away... but he didnt... he was still waiting for my answer! so i said.. "ok.. you wanna know who broke my heart?! its you! you broke my heart.. yah happy?!?!" i could tell he was shocked because he was speechless.. so i continued "i liked you since i was dating G.. i didnt tell you because i was worried that things will be awkward between us.. and you wont talk to me anymore" he was silent for a few seconds but then he said.. "why would it be awkward? and why wont i talk to you??? you're my friend.."

there it was.. he said.. the word i was dreading to hear.. FRIEND... i hate that word..

at that point, i was beyond sad.. i didnt even know what it's called... but i know i should move on... and till now.. im still his friend... sadly, always and forever... -J


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