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30 years of waiting

I met him when I was in sixth grade. WE never parted during our school years. He went into the army. We were to be married when he came home on leave. His mother talked and scared us both out of it. We were both 18, but listened to her and didn't marry. He was shipped off to Germany and took my heart with him. The whole time he was there his mother would send him viscious stories about me, none to be true. I had a baby by him and he saw our son one time before he left for Germany. We were in love. I was a struggling single mom and couldn't afford a phone so my only communication was by letter. He was shipped to Iran during the hostage situation and didn't recieve a lot of them. He had called his mother to tell her and of course she continued telling him how bad I was. I hadn't even seen her the whole time he was gone. December 8th, 1980 I rec'd a brief note from him stating he was getting married to a German girl and my heart literally broke. I left Michigan and moved to Texas to start over, but never stopped loving him. Through the years we talked, and always had our same connection. Both of us, miserable in several bad relationships, never happy in marriage and always falling back in touch with one another. He has been single for over a year now. I on the other hand am totally miserably married to an alcoholic who could care less how I feel about it and it's been really bothering and disgusting me for close to 4 years now. Every weekend for the last 2 years I'm at home by myself while he's out at a party or jam session (yes, he's a musician and we've been married 6 years now). EVERY weekend. Again here I am, by myself. Our son called his dad two weeks ago and he called me. He has told me things I never thought I would hear. He read me a letter from 30 years ago that I had wrote to him while we were 18. He told me he's held onto it and every time he's felt hopeless or down he's turned to it knowing and hoping one day that he'd be able to take care of me, hold me and take me for his wife. I have always known in my heart that he was the one meant for me and have never not loved him , no matter how far we've been from each other, no matter what we've gone through in our own lives he has always been with me, in my heart. I have kept every little thing from our past to hold onto any little hope. He's been working on making a good life for himself and now has told me that he's waited for over 30 years to ask me to marry him and whatever it will take he will wait for me. I'm so torn. My husband is a decent functioning drunk, but we have no marriage. We share a house, like room mates, only I think room mates actually spend more time together. He has his own business which is faltering due to his addiction-he'll be home by 2pm most days to spend time with his recliner and beer and drunk by the time I get home from work at 6pm. At least 4 out of 5 nights he's somewhat drunk the fifth night he's passed out when I walk in. I've even been close to calling 911 because I couldn't wake him up. I know his addiction is his problem but now, I am repulsed by him and can't erase the vision of him stumbling, slobbering towards me. And although I love him and I know he's better than this he has no desire to stop. I'm afraid he won't quit until he hits rock bottom and I don't want to be taken down with him. And all I can do is cry. I'm still in love and have always been with my ex & he's actually been my rock, once again. One side of me just wants to leave. I love my home, my dogs (I have 5 poms) and can't afford to just pick up and leave what I've built here. Until I can find a solution to this I will continue doing for myself. In the last two months I've been working out, have lost two dress sizes! I've traveled to two different states, just to spend get away time and am planning to go to Denver just for a weekend get a way. I continue to talk to my ex. If there's something there and it's meant to be when this all washes, one way or another, I know I'll always have his love and he'll have mine. I mean who wouldn't love a man who has kept your letters for 30 years and reads them for strength? For the first time, I am seeing what love really is. Now if it can just wait for me...


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