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You'll find out

To be innocent, to know nothing, and then be thrown into a world of love and sex and harmony that makes you blind was something I had never bargained for when I walked into my first day of highschool. Nore did it when I met him; the boy of my dreams. Something that was someone that I may or may not of wanted, I didn't know at the time. He was bad, but that was what drew me to him. I knew nothing.
It was January when we began dating. Only a week went by. I was still innocent and pure. I hadn't even kissed anyone before. But we did. On our first date. He was so sweet, until then. We kissed, with a movie running, for two hours at least. We made out. We touched each other. I didn't know this is what happened. But I did it well. And he, he loved it. With satisfaction on my lips, all I noticed that he liked what I did. So I kept doing it. I didn't even understand when his hand went to my chest, when his fingers cupped what was there. He said sorry, like it was an accident. I said it was okay. It went on.
By a month I had stopped talking to my friends. I figured, "this is normal, right?" I was in love. I was suppose to indulge. He was the only one I needed to speak to. When it came to turning to someone else, there was no where to go now.
Then we started fighting.
Sex, sex, sex, sex. He wanted sex. I didn't know what to want. I only said no once. He asked many times. We had been together two months. I lost my virginity.
What's it like to lose your virginity? You never get it back. You always feel like something was taken away. I was taken. I will never be that girl anymore.
Today, I am still broken.
After losing my virginity, I had forgotten who I was. I cut. I stole. I kissed, so many. With the one I loved. Women, men, I didn't care. What ever made him happy. It was easy. As long as I was something I wasn't. It worked. As long as I became lost in the beauty of what my body could do. Accomplished, defeated, what is the difference? Fighting, loving, there is no change. I never knew what was best for me because I never asked. It took 6 months to know. Sex a priority to every occasion. Head, hands, tongues, legs. Make them useful. Do not cry. Moan. I had a rulebook. The day that I realized this was not a love story, was the day I realized a question in my mind that only happens to those that lose everything, "where am I? who am I? What am I doing?"
The end. But of course it isn't over.
Love is such a blind and sexual thing. I am so sorry for what I've done. I can't have my virginity back. I can't be who I want to be. I can never look at someone and say, "hey, I still have the strength to say no" now instead, "can you say no to me?"
You would ask, "Why should I?"
"You'll find out."


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