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My mistake

I screwed up badlY!
I made the biggest mistake in my whole entire life.

When I was just a lil girl, It was easy to handle things...
Life wasn't that much complicated as it is right now
I am a Muslim.
I am not suppose to talk to guys... no one!
Not even my guys... If you r a Muslim u can't date...
I had so many crushes since the first day of my teenage life... Those were just little crushes, temporary feelings that felt overwhelming at that time... Ofcourse I was a lil girl.. Didn't know the true meaning of Love..The final guy I would marry...
My first crush was in 6th grade, then so many guys came in my life that i liked... so many...
A few years before I came to Canada for my education... India was my country , where i was born...
My cousin, the one who was included in the list of my crushes.. He was with this other girl in India... There were together since a couple of years...They loved each other... I didn't have any idea that I would end up being with him..
There were some misunderstandings between me n my cousin.
But when I came to canada we started talking just like cousins.. nothing else..
Then those misunderstandings faded away.. we sort of became good friends and we were much more closer than before... He started liking me, I started liking him but he was already with this other girl!
I was always having crushes n all.. but I don't know we kept talking n talking.. I liked him since my childhood as i told u that he was one of my crushes...
but i dunno...
Whenever i was infront of him i felt something strong, a stupid feeling, so finally he asked me out & here comes the biggest mistake of my life!
He broke up with his ex gf because of me... because i told him yes I love you tooo!
& then Our families talked about us & now its final that v r gonna marry l8r...
Now that was just the one side of my story... I got serious with him.. It has been almost 10 months, v have been talking about everything, I trust him more than myself... He trusts me too.. atleast thats what we have told each other like 100 times!
Now u tell me how can i back down? when i was the one asking my parents to tell them yes because I would b happy with him...
Now u would think when everything is perfect n nice..He loves me & I love him... Its perfect right? Why would I want to back down now..Whats the other side of this story.. well Nothing is ever perfect, life isn't fair, haven't you heard it before?

You never know what your heart will tell you..Everything in life is temporary, relations, emotions, understanding fades away sometimes...
So I am going to school in Canada now since few years. I never liked any guy here... Never had any crush here...
But now this year I am taking this other language class.. and I am the shy person nd so quiet girl i nschool, never talking to anybody.. n all
but in this class it was my first day I entered in the room & There comes the sweet i was waling in some one was walking behind me..I was so confused & nervous cux there were different students..I enter and I felt someone walking behind me I turned around to saw that angel face and that was him!!I definitely got butterflies. His face was so innocent. Cute dimples. Pefect features! Long hair falling on his forehead, Perfect body... kind of muscular.. Russet colored skin.. & the moment I saw him I was in love with him... That moment was sweet but at the same time it was the moment of grief, regret, destruction in my life. So I went ahead and found myself a second last desk in the second last row. That was the only place I could use because I was kinda late in that class, a week was already gone & Everybody was already with friends with each other.
So I sat down & started looking in my bag for some work that could keep me busy from looking at people's face.
WoaHHH! I suddenly found out that that guy was walking toward me... He came closer n closer.. He sat at the desk just infront of me. Gosh!!!!!!
so yeah random people started talking to me about where i was from, why did i come here. What grad ei was in.. Questions like that.. Yah so he turned round & said Hiiii!! how r u ? where u frm,, wat grade r u in? how many languages do u speak? y did u come here? i kept answering him and he was the nicest guy i ever met. I liked him.
Days passed by & I was always thrilled for my 5th period because he was in that period.
His name was Rollie, Rolando. He was funny, cute, nice, loving.
We would talk sometimes about random stuff.
We would see each other n would start smiling for no reason. Well mostly i was the one smiling all the time. Whenever I looked at him this current traveled in my whole body. I got goose bumps.
Sometimes we would kinda like flirt , smiling n smiling from far away. He would wink and I would wink back.
That was cute.

Going back to the other side at the same time i was talking to my cousin, the guy i was commmited to, I waz in love with him madly. I loved him.
I talked to him like every single day.

I was always excited for 5th period. I got dressed up & started wearing make up. i dunno why.
So One day I was from new building to the Old building of my school & I that was the place I always saw Rollie walking to his next class. We would see each other and smile. SO yah one day he was like walking really far from me with his friend. He screamed something that I never thought of. " Heyy! I love you!!! Will you marry me??? "
Oh Godddddddd!
I was ouutta my mind.
I was nervous..
I was not myself!
I couldn't believe what he said.
He was laughing, I was smiling like stupid!
Aneways so I walked to my next period class.
I knew he was kidding but it hit right in my heart... & effects were Dangerous.

Sometimes we walked together in hallways and those few days were lucky ones in my life.
I liked how he talked to me, how he would find topics to talk about.
I was always quiet cux i didn't know what to talk about. he would try to make conversations n those was sweet awkward moments. Whenever I looked ta his face my heart told me to keep looking, never let the beautiful moments fade away...
Perfect face... his crooked smile... his cute dimples that i love.

Sometimes he was busy with his friends and was having fun. He would ignore me like i am nobody.
Or may be thats how I felt because may be i was thinkng about him more than i should.
I was expecting much more than I should.
Life got more sophisticated... What was i thinking?
huh? I was crazy!!! betraying someone I loved!
I had no idea about what was I doing..

Alright so I liked Rollie so muchhhhhhhh...

More than I should.

Other day I was sitting in my dest, working on something. I saw Rollie, our eyes met He did the sexiest thing ever with his mouth.
He moved his mouth on the right side, biting :D
Wooooooaaaaahh! I was happy that day..
Felt good.
Other day He said love you from his seat but quietly in his mouth.. the way his mouth moved I could tell that these were those 3 magic words that everybody has been talkign about.

OMG OMG OMG!! I never felt this strong feelign for someone... I realy reallly reallllyyyyyyyyy like Roliie..
Now I don't know what to do..

I am confused.
I can't back down from the relation im in with my cousin and on the other side I like Rollie so much...

Sometimes we make stupid decisions without even thinking about it...
I am stuck and I can't betray someone who loves me like crazy. But I can't ignore my feelings either so what im going to do is pray to God "That please if you can't give me Rollie in this world. Then please make me his partner in the afterlife I will have in Heaven (Inshallah).
Please give him success in his life and always make him happy. Because I love him tooo." Ameen.

My whole life, I will keep praying for Rollie.I will always make my cousin happy who is gnna b my future partner.



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