A Wife with Low Self-Esteem

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Visitor's Question:
I caught my wife lying or "conveniently forgetting" about a phone call she made to a male co worker and proved it with her cell phone less than 15 minutes after she lied. (I missed a call and thought it might be her sister from another state) and asked what her sisters number was and my wife asked me to get her cell phone to check her sisters number, boy that backfired on her suprisingly.

This guys name comes up alot, she has confided in him about us at work and after a "repair" weekend on an island he called up and asked if we made it on the beach?! How inapropriate! I wanted to yank the phone away! The guy is nice an all so I don't want to start anything with him but I have never felt this jealous rage before.

She and I met in 88 and married in 92. a girl 9 and a boy 3 is the reason she stays with me she has confided with me. she says she wants to quit her work to go to another state and work to find herself.? what the hell is going on! Im afraid to leave town for work! we are trying to work out bills and things.

I have been a perfect gentleman to her all these years doing most of the housework even. She had and has had a poor self esteem all these years and I keep trying to convince her about nutrition. It sure has helped keep our girl off adhd drugs and she is a B student! I don't know what to do, counseling I guess but even though she suggested seeing a Phd. some seeks ago she's not enthusiasstic about it now when I bring it up. She just dosent say much, shes intimidated by my intellectual level she feels.what next?

Our Suggestion:
It definitely sounds like she has low self esteem, maybe on an intellectual level, maybe on a physical level. This guy at work probably flirts with her in the normal, casual way that most co-workers flirt with each other and she finds it nice. Most women who have kids start to feel like a 'sluggy mom' and not like an 'attractive woman' any more. And the older the kids get, the more they feel like they are a 'mom and wife' and not a 'woman' any more. It can sort of feed on itself and become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Part of being a partner for each other is being honest, being open, being communicative and encouraging each other to grow. Maybe some of that got lost as you guys settled down into the wife/husband and mommy/daddy things in life that always get in the way. So I really would talk to a therapist and start to work on some of that.

It's good that you went on a relaxing vacation, but you really need to start looking at your daily lives to try to get some change in there. Look at local community colleges and see if there are fun courses you can take together. Get some hobbies you can share. Hire babysitters to watch the kids. You need to make VERY sure that you keep connecting on a "fun guy-girl" level and NOT just on a "mommy-daddy-doing-chores" level. Those kids won't be around forever. You need to make sure you still have enough love and fun together so that even when the kids are teenagers (which is a VERY VERY hard stage to get through) that you'll have enough fun and love to last through to when you two are back on your own again.

Don't be jealous about this other guy. He's just a symptom of the problem. Look at him as a wake-up call that something is wrong, and work on what is really wrong - the desire you both have to be the people you dreamed about being when you were younger. Just because you have kids doesn't mean you can't also be fun adults too.

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