He Plays Hard to Get

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Visitor's Question:
My boyfriend loves to play hard to get with me. I really am interested in him, and when I haven't seen him in a while I get excited to know he's coming into town soon. But the weird thing is when I do see him, I become sad and angry. What is wrong with me?

Our Suggestion:
I don't think anything is wrong with you!!

First off, playing hard to get can be both good and bad. On one hand, it can give a bit of fun to a relationship, and all relationships thrive on fun. So it can be like me holding a box of cat treats over my cat's head and saying "You want some? Hmmmm?" for a few seconds before giving the treat to my cat.

However, if it goes beyond that, it becomes a power game. It becomes one person saying "I have something you want, but I don't know if I feel like giving it to you. You have to beg and grovel before I will deign to consider if you're worthy." That can get non-fun VERY quickly and can be really, really demeaning feeling. You start to feel like you're slime and that the guy just doesn't like you the way you like him, if he can squash your feelings like that.

So here you like your guys and miss him and want him. And with all the guys out there who complain that their girls are "cold and uncaring", this is something that many guys would really appreciate. But then he shows up and now you get the feeling that you're in for a lot of hassle and anguish before you'll even get a response out of him - and who needs that in life? Life has more than enough pain all on its own. Your time with your special sweetheart should be time full of love, joy, happiness, and an escape from the harshness of the real world. If your SWEETHEART is the one doling out the harshness, just exactly are you gaining from the relationship?

This is something pretty serious that you guys should talk about. I have to warn you - if this guy is capable of playing mental head-games with you in the first place, talking about it will probably be really difficult. He'll enjoy blaming you for the issue and saying that it's all in your head. But one of the realities of life is that each of us feels certain ways about things - and that those feelings are REAL. Just because he thinks you should NOT feel that way, it doesn't make your feelings less real. And as a partner, it's his responsibility to help you feel happy. For him to dismiss your feelings and say "Deal with it" means he's not doing his part as a partner.

Of course, it could be that he doesn't realize he's hurting the relationship and apologizes and you guys end up having time together that's fun and loving and fully satisfying to you both. I just don't see a head-game-player doing that, but he could be the special one who does :)

Good luck!

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