I saw her car at another guy's apartment

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Visitor's Question:
My ex (first time I've referred to her like that...kinda strange) had been real distant the past few weeks, and I'm starting to figure out why. We had been giving each other space, but I've been acting like a petulant child, needy of her attention and love. I've even as gone so far as to drive around nights on my way to work or whenever trying to find her car someplace, just so I know that she's cheating on me. I'd never do harm or anything, but what I've been doing is just ridiculous. It's really beome very apparent to me now.

So anyway, while we were giving space, we'd still chat a little or hang out a little. But, all of a sudden, it stopped once one of our friends broke up with his rebound girl (he had been in a long-distance relationship for I think 2 years) and my ex had been very, very distant with me since then. We talked occasionally (once a week maybe) since his breakup, and I got paranoid and asked her why she spends more time with him than me. She calls him her "gay hetero friend," the guy who will take her to the gay nightclubs (?), dye her hair, etc. I know women have guy friends, but, I'm just an insecure dude, which I hope will dissipate with time.

The past two nights/mornings (2:00 AM and 5:30 AM) though, I went to the guy's apartment on instinct, and sure enough, my ex's car was there. I sent her a text saying I saw it there, but I didn't want to cause trouble nor do I want to assume anything, but I just wanted to know what was going on. I haven't received any calls or texts back, hoping she didn't receive it by some technical failure. In retrospect, it looks really, REALLY bad invading her space like that.

We've been through many ups and downs (more downs lately) during our time. We started dating last May and started having major problems by January (mostly my fault with drinking, which I've worked on very hard and now feel good about not having to worry about not remembering things in the morning). It's very apparent to me that I have trust and self-esteem issues that are being addressed.

Before she started being distant this time, she told me I am the love of her life, that she just needs time, that she still has pictures of us adorned in her room (in fact, she just told me she still had those pics last week...of course after I sent her a bouquet of Bells of Ireland, so it could some kind of half-assed reward for doing something nice. She's been having a rash of bad luck these last few months and those flowers are supposed to bring good luck...I thought it was a nice gesture). Even months ago when we had a long talk, after my boozing did something that I will forever regret, she said that she had never cared for somebody so much before, even after dating someone for 2 1/2 years. I hear all of this, but now have trouble believing it because of what I saw these last two nights.

Could she really be that fickle in her emotions and lead me on this badly by not telling me she's with someone else? Is it possible because the "gay hetero friend" is a good guy, which I can admit to, that she's staying there because her home life isn't going well either (she still lives with parents)? Have I pushed her too much that she's with this guy for good? Is it just a rebound and if I can be strong and give her her due time, she'll be back? Can I stop asking websites and figure things out on my own?...just kidding, you guys are great.

Many friends and family members have told me to move on, she's not good for me, there's someone better, blah blah. They may be right, but I can't let go of this. We've only dated a short amount of time in some people's eyes (maybe her's too), and being somewhat closed off from relationships before, I finally had the courage to let someone into my life fully, and I don't want to give up. During this time, I did many, many things wrong that I didn't know were and she still stuck around. Now, she may be gone for good.

It just kills me with her being so secretive and distant lately, but most of all, it kills me to think she might never get to see the best of me. That may seem contrary to you guys, seeing all those stupid things I've done, just even in two previous days. I really want to make this right, I love her too damn much that I'm making compromises to making this work. If any person can make you see inside yourself this deep, how could you not feel sad they might not see the changes in you and share in the growth that you could potentially go through together?

Thanks again and keep up the great work helping us hopeless romantics! Wow, just realized the length...sorry!

Our Suggestion:
You probably realize how much you've blown it by sneaking over to her guy friend's house in the middle of the night.

You've pushed her space envelope to the max. It is going to take a while for this to settle down. Meanwhile try to keep some contact even if it is only every other week to see how she is doing.

You are going to have to work hard to get out of the hole you dug yourself into. Mayke sure she knows that you are aware of it and that you are trying very hard.

Good luck! George

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