My Best Friend and my Husband

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Visitor's Question:
My husband is confiding personal things in MY best friend, am I wrong to be jealous? We have known her for 10+ years. About 5 years ago, he told me that she was his "fantasy" lay, (something he knew he couldnt have because he was married and so was she).

Well, she is now going through a divorce. (Her husband was cheating on her, and then she in turn "paid him back" the same way) I haven't talked to her in a month, because I am having a hard time with her situation. (morals getting in the way) My husband has been calling her since she told us she was leaving her husband. (he never called her when she was married, mind you) He also told me that he was confiding his feelings about our relationship to her and that they talk about me and my jealousy / trust problem. (she is supposed to be MY friend, and she failed to mention this to me) He also lied about calling her when I confronted him last week. Then he said he didnt tell me because he knew I would be angry and make a big deal out of it. AM I??? I feel betrayed from both sides!

Our Suggestion:
Usually I very much err on the side of telling people to control their jealousy, to try to be as positive and accomodating as possible and assume the best. But I think I have to side with you on this one and say that sometimes jealousy is warranted.

One of the pretty obvious things about ANYONE going through a divorce is that they are feeling rejected, worried, alone etc. and will do all the normal "rebound" things in triplicate. That in essence any opposite-sex friend has to be VERY cautious in treading during this period so as not to get caught up in those issues. She undoubtedly has female friends that can be helping her in her hopes and fears and concerns of this divorce. But for your HUSBAND to be leaping into the situation is completely unwise in so many different ways. His being there is making her healing process MORE difficult, not less, and I really have to believe he is doing it for selfish reasons. If he really did care a lot about her he wouldn't be in essence making this all more complicated for her by presenting himself as a 'substitute husband to talk to'.

The core of any relationship, at any time, is honesty and trust. There should never be deception between a couple. For him to lie to you because he thought you would be angry is extremely childish. He didn't want to face your anger at something *he did* to get you angry? Is that like a child stealing a ton of cookies before dinner and then lying so as not to face the anger? Couples don't lie to each other. Husbands who are thinking of their wives as the 'mommy keeping me from my fun' lie. And obviously if there was nothing wrong, nothing strange, he wouldn't think about lying. So now you can't trust him with this woman because he's already proven he's quite happy lying to protect his relationship with her.

Going along with that trust/honesty between couples thing, the primary route of discussion about a couple is always THAT COUPLE. The couple is the primary discussion board, it is where discussions about the couple take place. He shoudln't be off talking about your issues with someone else if it upsets you! If he can't resolve those issues with YOU then he and you should go to a therapist and discuss them together. But for him to go off to HER and be discussing these issues is putting HER squarely in the position of "the woman I discuss issues with". Which is YOUR role in his life. So now he is treating her as his "primary woman I discuss issues with", he is treating you like the "intruding mommy keeping me from my fun" and she is encouraging all of this because she's on the rebound. This is pretty much a recipe for disaster.

I would set up a therapy session with you two and a therapist. He is probably going to blow off anything you say as your "insane jealousy" because it interferes with his fun that he has latched onto - and his ability to lie to you to protect his fun is proven now. If he has a THERAPIST listen to all of this and kick him into shape, hopefully he will listen. Let it come from a third party that he will pay at least some attention to. And once you go to the therapist and are both told this is unhealthy, then you can get the word to this other woman. She has a right to heal from her divorce, but she does NOT have a right to destroy other marriages just because hers went wrong.

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