Wanting my Ex Back

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Visitor's Question:
how do i get my ex boyfriend back after a 4 month breakup. we were engaged to be married and we both thought it was best to break up for awhile and get our lives in order well i told him i didnt want to get back together because i thought i would start to believe it.

well now he is back with his ex girlfriend and she told him to stop all contact with me and he is doing it, i know he still loves me we were together for 4 years. how can i get him back, or at least to talk to me.

Our Suggestion:
I have tips on reworking a relationship with an ex here -

http://www.romanceclass.com/miscr/LoveSCat/61845

but the first big mistake of course was to break up with someone you were engaged to! You are saying to this person you want to be with them *forever*. But then you are saying you can't work out even pre-marriage issues together? The whole point of a relationship is that you always face issues together. If you guys felt you had to split up in order to work on things, that's a sign of something seriously wrong.

Also, the fact that his ex would try to drive such a wedge between him and other people is unhealthy. When you accept a person, you accept them fully with all their friends, exs and so on. You don't try to stick them in a tower of isolation. The fact that she could SAY that to him and then the fact that he would LISTEN to her are both signs that that relationship is not healthy.

You really need to sit down, though, and think about why you want this guy back. You broke up with him. You told him you didn't want him back. Obviously this relationship had some serious issues. Sure, you guys care for each other. But it doesn't sound like it was a steady, strong love. I would find a therapist to talk to, even for a few weeks, about what happened in all of that. And give yourself time to find out if you really want HIM or if you just don't want to be alone, don't want to face having to start over.

The most important thing in any relationship is that YOU are happy to start with, and that you then want to bring someone else that is happy in to work together on a life. It sounds like that base was never there. It might be time for you to build that base of being happy. Then in a month or two you can make contact with him, as a friend who cares for him, and go from there. If his girlfriend tries to "instruct him" in who he can and cannot talk with at that point I would have him tell her to take a hike. She's not his mother.

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