I got him to cheat, then he left me

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Visitor's Question:
I was recently involved with a guy for about 2 months who was seeing another girl for about a year. Our feelings for each other were very strong and we acted out upon them through letters, phone conversations, and physically, though he was with this other girl. I knew that he wanted to be with me and planned on breaking up with her for me, so I didn't feel wrong by my actions. Everything felt so right to him and I both.

He ended up breaking up with her 2 months after we started "talking" and started a relationship with me a few days later. I gave him all the time he wished before beginning a steady relationship with me. Well after about a month into our relationship he broke up with me. His initial reason was that he still loved his ex girlfriend, but later told me he was planning on moving. He wished to begin a new relationship with me, realizing the mistake he had made by breaking up with me (we were both willing to work through a long distance relationship), but I never gave a solid answer to that.

We continued "talking" as we were before we started our relationship, but a few days ago I began hearing from a good friend of mine that happens to work with both my ex and his ex girlfriend, that they are secretly in a relationship together. (She doesn't, and will not, know about me.)

I love this guy and very much and wish to have him back. I know how his ex girlfriend treats him and I believe that he is sharing his love with memories of how she used to be during the earlier stages of their relationship. I want nothing more than to be with him, but I don't know how to go about winning his heart. I'm not allowed to tell him that my friend gave me this information because that will cause problems between their friendship.

I want him to regret his selfish two-faced actions and open his eyes to the wonderful connection him and I share. Do I play the pity game? Cold shoulder? Get angry? Stay friendly? I need your help!

Our Suggestion:
I think the key problem here is that you got this guy to cheat on his girlfriend, thought this was "fine" and then wondered why the relationship didn't work out. His girlfriend was loyal and trustworthy, while he was not. So he can choose between a girlfriend that he trusts, and a woman who actively is attempting to introduce deception and betrayal into his life.

Either a person has the mindset to honor and work on a relationship, or they don't. By your actions, you showed him that you didn't honor a commitment a person made to another person (i.e. him to his ex) - that to you, a commitment could easily be broken as long as it felt good to you. A long distance relationship takes an EXTREME form of commitment, to honor each other even despite many obstacles. So if he saw that you were a person willing to have an affair if it "felt good" to you - to then trust you in a situation that requires extraordinary trust would be a huge leap of faith.

Sure, you can say "But we were special!" I hate to tell you, but every single couple that has an affair thinks they are special - and then probably 99% of the people having the affair go on to find someone else special, when the first person becomes the 'boring usual partner'. Cheating is cheating, it is about betrayal of trust. And if you can't trust someone, you can't have a relationship with them.

Why didn't you wait for the guy to break up BEFORE you got involved with him? Not only did you show him that, in your mind, relationships aren't really worth honoring, but you also got yourself swept right up into his rebound period, which he never got to go through at all. Dating on the rebound is one of THE worst things you can ever do. And in the end, he evaluated his choices. He had someone who was pushing him to lie and betray ... and he had another person who he had lied and betrayed to instead of treating with honor. For you to call his actions "selfish" seems a bit strange. He is with the woman who he was COMMITTED to. That is being honorable, not selfish. It was selfish of him to lie, betray and cheat on her because it "felt good".

If you want to be a friend to this guy, which is always THE most important thing you can possibly be for a person, then tell him you realize it was wrong to try to get him to betray his commitment. It is just as wrong as convincing him to steal from his company or any other equally immoral act. Tell him that you're sorry and that your desire to be WITH him overwhelmed your caring ABOUT him. And then be there for him. If HE decides to break up with his girlfriend, you can be there to comfort him, and maybe AFTER the rebound period to date him. But if you show him again that you are interested in driving him apart and destroying his relationship, I don't think he'll be much interested in building a relationship with you again. Few people want to be reminded of when they went from being a 'honest' person to a 'lying' person.

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