Cheating On my Boyfriend

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Visitor's Question:
It all started 4 years ago when I met this one guy. At the time, he was 17 and I was 14, and I just wasn't ready for the whole boyfriend thing yet. We got along great right from the start. There was some connection betwen us that anyone can see. He graduated from high school and time went on. I have my first boyfriend now for almost 5 months, and it was going great. There weren't any real problems in the realtionship at all. Until HE came back and brought back all those feelings.

I love my boyfriend. But now my heart isn't completely there when we're together. I've been spending time with both guys recently and with a lot of help, I've decided to follow my heart and get rid of my boyfriend.

The problem is that he is also my best friend and I don't know how to break up with him without pushing him away entirely. I've told him I needed a break to figure some things out for myself. He knows I'm friends with this other guy, but he doesn't know how we feel about each other. I don't know how to let go without being straight out and saying "Sorry buddy, but there's someone else. You're not good enough". I love him and I don't know how to let go.

Our Suggestion:
Your boyfriend is going to be completely justified in feeling hurt and betrayed here. Yes, you feel it's "justified" that you are running off with another guy. But a person who cheats ALWAYS feels that their cheating is justified, because the new guy is "better than" the old guy. But the whole reason you're in a relationship is because you have made a commitment to someone. That commitment is to work on the relationship above all others. The moment you started seeing and considering this other guy, you should have called it off. Instead, you have been running around behind his back and are now ready to leap into a new relationship. In essence you used your boyfriend as a "crutch" while you figured out if the other guy was worth it or not. Which is incredibly unfair.

So at least stand up and face the music. You cheated on him and betrayed his trust. He trusted in you by letting you spend that time with the other guy - and you misused that trust. Sit down with him immediately, apologize fully, say that you know it was wrong but that it happened. Let him yell or rant or cry. He has that right. And then see what he wants to do from there. This is HIS choice and HE deserves the right to make it. You could literally have damaged him and his ability to trust for many years at this point. Don't make it even worse by dragging it out.

Yes, you feel things will be perfect with this other guy. But what happens in 2 or 3 years after you're together for a while and you realize it just isn't as good as you thought it would be? And what happens if *another* great guy wanders around into your life? Are you going to start cheating on your current guy because the new guy is "obviously better"?

Life is never, ever about cheating, and never about trouncing on the guy you're with just because you think "Oh this other guy is better for me". That's a selfish view of the world that you need to get your mind wrapped around before it starts destroying every relationship you get into. One of the key lessons about life is that there will ALWAYS be someone else that seems better or more perfect. And the meaning of a relationship is a commitment to always work on the EXISTING relationship first and to accep or reject it on its own before you start even THINKING about a new relationship. The fact that you were able to cheat right now because you felt "someone else was better" isn't a good sign at all. And the fact that this "new perfect relationship" is being founded on cheating and lying and a betrayal of a commitment is not a healthy start. Hopefully you two will learn that lesson and not make it again.

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