Under Stress I Lashed Out at my GF

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Visitor's Question:
Hello, I am 21 years old. I was dating this wonderful most beautiful girl ever. I was dating her for 3 years, we got pretty serious, I always knew we would have a future together, not just being boyfriend/girlfriend, but being married. One of the only things that stoped me from asking her to marry me the fact that we were too young. She even always thought we had a future together, the same way i did.

She just broke up with me because the last five or so months have not been too great. I can't seem to get over my parents getting a divorce, they almost got back together but it never happened. Also i pay baseball in college and this past season i did not get to play because of a grade problem. Baseball meant very much to me, not as much as my GF did but. It made me not care about a lot of things and during that time i did not treat her very well. I said some things that i did not mean, i know that i should not have said them but i did.

i started to get jealous of a couple of her friends, i'm not sure why. I said that i only wanted to go somewhere with her because her friends were going to be there, and i wanted to be sure she did not cheat on me. i know i said i can't trust her with her friends but, i know i can. Sometimes when she would go somewhere with a friend, not even to a party or anything, i would say something like why do you have to go with her there. Why can't we do something. I know all those thigns are stupid to say, but i did say them. She said i made here feel like it was all her fault that things were going down, she said i made her feel like she was not a good girlfriend.

This is why she broke up with me, I still love her more than anything in the world. She says she still loves me also. She said she can forgive me for how i made her feel and the things i said. she thinks that we will not be able to get back together because she might not be able to forget what happen, she can forgive me, but she might not be able to forget about it, it might always be in the back of her head. Like i said I have been going through some rough times, I know that is part of the reason i acted the way i did. Like i said we still both love each other but she said me probably will not be able to get back with me because she might not be able to forget what happen.

How can she love me and say she dont want to get back together because she cant forget what happen. We had a very strong love for each other, should she let this destroy what a wonderful thing we can have together.

Can you or yous give me some advice or something, anything that would help get us back together. Please I will do anything for her. Please

Our Suggestion:
There are two things going on here. One is that yes, you're going through a difficult time. But there are ALWAYS difficult times in life. People lose jobs, they have their parents die, they have medical emergencies. You name it, people will face it. So if your reaction to stress is to take it out on your girlfriend, she has a right to be concerned. Just because you feel sorry this time, you will probably do it again the next time you're stressed because it's part of how you react to things. And she doesn't want to be your 'punching bag' the next time around. So she loves you, but doesn't want to be your partner in life. That's a rather reasonable point of view.

The other is that people in a relationship try to face difficulties together. So it might be that she was trying to make you handle things on your own - or that you were pushing her away when she was trying to help. That is another critical part of a relationship and if that wasn't working for you two over things as relatively minor as divorce and baseball, how can they work when far more serious issues are at stake?

If you really want to show her that you have learned and grown and will have a new approach to problems when they strike next (because there are ALWAYS more problems in life), I would really recommend going to a couple's therapist with her. There are serious issues here - issues that *must* get resolved if you two were to actually end up together. She needs proof you have really changed, but unless you actually have another serious incident in your life in the next few weeks you have no way to prove to her that you have. And really, I have to doubt you can just spontaneously change, even if you really wanted to. Ways to deal with crisis are things you learn over time, not things you just spontaneously change in your brain.

So offer to go to a therapist, go with her, and talk about the issues. Explain how you turned your anger on her when you got stressed, how this wasn't healthy and ask for advice. The therapist will teach you new ways of coping. Your ex will be there and be able to help and feel a part of the process - and see the progress. That you would try to change for her, and make her a part of your changing - will show her that you really, seriously, want to be a GOOD part of her life.

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