My husband's always fighting with me

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Visitor's Question:
OKAY, MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR ABOUT 2 YEARS. WE HAVE HAD ARE UPS AND DOWNS, BUT HER LATELY IT'S GOT SO BAD. I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHERE TO START AT.

WELL IT STARTED ABOUT 6 MONTHS AGO. SEE, MY HUSBAND IS ADDICTED TO DRUGS. I KNOW OF A FEW THAT HE IS ADDICTED TO, AND I KNOW ABOUT MORE DRUGS HE TAKES THAT HE DOSEN'T THINK I KNOW ABOUT. HE HAS MOOD SWINGS AND YELLS A LOT. I DON'T KNOW IF HE CHEATING OR NOT. SOMETIMES HE ACTS LIKE HE WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. HE GETS SO MAD SO EASY. HE SAIDS THINGS TO HURT MY FEELING AND ACTS LIKE HE DON'T EVEN CARE. HE SAID HE HATES IT WHEN I CRY, BUT HE ALWAYS MAKES ME CRY. HE SAID THAT MY FEELINGS GET HURT TO EASY. AND HE NEVER THINKS THAT HE DOES ANYTHING WRONG, AND THAT IT'S ALWAYS ME.

I UNDERSTAND IT TAKES TWO TO FIGHT, BUT I HATE TO FIGHT. I LOVE HIM TO MUCH TO LEAVE, I COULDN'T MAKE IT WITHOUT HIM. I DO EVERYTHING I CAN TO MAKE HIM HAPPY, AND IT SEEMS THAT IT STILL DOESN'T WORK. I GUESS IN HIS EYES I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT.

Our Suggestion:
What your husband is doing is verbal abuse, plain and simple. Why is he yelling at you? He should NOT be yelling at you. Once he raises his voice he has lost control which is 100% his fault. You can NOT make someone else lose control. That person is the one who has a brain and loses control with that brain.

So if he can't control his temper and is taking it out on you, he needs to stop. And yes you love him, but part of loving someone is helping them to be a better person. Let's say you have a child and that child is biting everyone he meets. You love your child - but that doesn't mean that you let him keep biting everyone!! When he gets to be 8 and 9 and has no friends and is teased by everyone in school, it's you who were a bad mother to let him get to that point.

Your husband is verbally abusing you and you are in essence allowing it to continue. You are showing him, "See people who love each other treat each other this way, because I love you and I'm staying and letting you do this to me." And so he keeps doing it and it gets worse and worse because the more he does it, the more normal it seems to him. The harder it is for him to break his bad habit.

So show him clearly that love does NOT involve yelling. Mood swings or no. The next time he yells, tell him that you are willing to talk with him when he can talk reasonably, and leave. Walk down to the library or church or whereever you want. Come back in an hour or two. Either he'll be calm or he'll be upset. If he's upset, leave again. He has got to learn that people who love each other do NOT yell. Period the end. If he yells, he won't have a target. If he can TALK you will be there, listening to him, loving him. So the more you do it the more he will equate yell = empty house with no love. Talk = house with woman and love.

Yes it can be hard to get started. But believe me this is your life we're talking about here. Either you break his habit NOW or it will be harder and harder to break in the future. And how he treats YOU is how he treats ANYONE in his life, so for the sake of ANYONE that deals with him, you have to help him learn about how to treat people. You have to find the strength to do it in your love for him. That's the only solution.

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