I don't want to hurt her

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Visitor's Question:
I've been with my girlfriend for 10 months, but I have been feeling lately that I don't want to be in the relationship anymore. She is caring, and we get along ok most of the time, but I'm not in love with her. And now that we have been together for a long time I don't think my feelings will change. But I care about her, and I can't imagine being able to break up with her. I've had depression, and haven't had many friends around recently, so my ending my relationship with her seems so impossible, as she has been so good to me.

I'm 18, and this is my first relationship. And we've been together for quite a long time. I have no experience of anything like this. I am in a difficult situation. It's kind of a long distance relationship, as I don't see her at all during the week. She lives about 3 hours away, and comes down to stay the weekend every couple of weeks on the train. So If I were to break up face to face, it would have to be when she was staying at my house for the weekend. It would have be at the trainstation, after she has traveled 3 hours to get to me, and would have to travel 3 hours back on her own on the next train, and I want to do it somewhere private. But I couldn't do it on the sunday, after I've been normal around her, and shared a bed for the weekend. I would really want to do it somewhere she feels safe, like where she lives, but if I called and arranged to go meet her, she'd want to know why, and it would turn into a break up over the phone.

I also have no idea what to say. I have been trying to imagine the conversation, and I can't. I've never been in a relationship, not even for a week, and this has been 10 months. There hasn't been any event or development that warrants me ending the relationship now, I just don't feel as strongly as I should about her, and don't think I will really love her. This will seem completely out of the blue to her. Although I'm not satisfied with the relationship, there hasn't been any problems. I don't want to hurt her. So how do I break up with her?

I need help soon, thankyou.

(sorry, I tried to keep it as short as possible)

Our Suggestion:
There is a reasonably good chance she knows what is on your mind. Since you are close it may not come as a surprise to her. She may even feel the same.

However, you can't be sure of that so give her the news very gently. My suggestion is to blame the long-distance aspect of your relatiionship. Say that it is difficult to maintain the feelings when you are separated so much.

You might want to tell her about two hours before she leaves. This will give you some time to discuss the situation without making it awkward as would happen if you were to tell her at the beginning of the weekend.

What you should hope for is that you can give her the message in a caring, clear manner so that she more fully understands what you are feeling and she won't have that terrible feeling of not knowing why things have changed.

Good luck! George

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