I Drove Him Away, I Want Him Back

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Visitor's Question:
I really need help. I dated my boyfriend for 3 years and then i moved to his state with my 3 girls and we lived together for 1 and 1/2 years before i moved out. it has been 11 months since i moved out and i love him dearly. I have tried everything i can think of to get him back, but nothing works. I have begged, cried, and pleaded with him repeatedly for 11 months. He keeps saying he loves me but does not want to get back together as boyfriend/girlfriend.

We have still been sleeping together with only each other for all of these 11 months. He has not been out on one date with any other girl and neither have I. I have went through counseling for anger management and self esteem. i have improved myself as a person to become what he wants in a future wife. i know he cares deeply, but he has a phobia of commitment and since his mother and most of his friends dislike me, he won't even consider getting back together.

I cry constantly and then i get angry. i tell him I'm never going to speak to him again, and i call crying with the I'm sorry's the next day. He is going crazy and I am going crazy. Yet, he still lets me hang on a little bit.

Please tell me how to make him see me in a different way and take the chance on giving our love one more chance. I'm running out of time. i don't want to lose him, but i dont want to look pathetic anymore and it just keeps going round and round, and i'm pushing him further away instead of closer. Please help me.

Our Suggestion:
It sounds like something really went wrong in your relationship if he refuses to consider getting back together again and if all his relatives and friends support him on this choice.

I appreciate you saying that you went to therapy to change, but to change to "be what he wants me to be" is a REALLY REALLY bad reason to change. He should love you the way you are. If you want to change, you should want to change to be a better person. To deliberately try to change yourself into "his idea of a better wife" will NEVER work and will just lead to you both being unhappy. Because he should love YOU, not some ideal. And you should be YOU, not some figment of someone's imagination.

If you are still calling him and either yelling at him or pleading with him, it sounds like there are serious issues still going on, and he is very concerned about getting together with someone who is capable of a crying / yelling back and forth. You are not showing him you're a stable person - and most men will not voluntarily get into a relationship with a known unstable person. For you to say "I'll be better if you just date me" is not giving any reassurance at all.

You need to BE better now, because you WANT to be. If you were, right now, stable, happy and content, I bet he would come to you. Because obviously he cares about you still, but he is being driven away by your actions. If you continue to show him that you are unstable, he will continue to keep you at arm's length. If you showed him that you WERE stable, happy, content with yourself, and who YOU wanted to be, that would be something he would be interested in sharing. People are drawn to happy, content people. People are scared away by unhappy, insecure people.

So your #1 priority is to simply become happy with you and what you are and where you are in life. Stop obsession over this guy as your answer to life. You need to be happy with YOUR life and what you are. You need to find hobbies you enjoy, friends you have fun with. Go to therapy some more and figure out why you were expending so much anger on this guy. When you can be content without him - that is when he (or perhaps another much more well matched) will become a part of your life and share your joy.

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