Our Fighting Breaks Us Up

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Visitor's Question:
Hi, I am now 30 years old and have known my boyfriend since I was 24. We started off as friends first and decided to be a couple after 1 year during those times. We were off and on for the next 4 years because we wanted to finish school and see other people. Other things contributed to our break up in the past such as arguments & incompatibility in some areas. To make the story short, we have become more serious by spending more time with one another and getting our families to get to know us more.

Just recently, I brought up the issue about bachelor parties and ask if he would ever have one. Then he says he might try something different since the tradition is getting old. Then, I kept saying "no, I don't want you to have them" because it makes me uncomfortable. He stood up and got angry and told me that I act like I'm already his fiance or husband and not to assume things. He told me to go home because he can't believe that I don't trust him. I refused and started to cry and was surprised out of anger that he called me a Bitch. He says he wants me to be strong and finish my last semester for my BA. He then said, you know what I was going to propose to you but I was trying to find a perfect time. He tried to give it back to me but it fell since I was histerically crying.

Even before our argument we have been busy with his new house he will be moving in soon and we have talked about it being ours in the future. I even gave him an ultimatum once and said if you don't love me, we need to go seperate ways and then he refused and says I'm a big part of his life and that he loves me but what I don't understand is when we had an argument about the bachelor party, he says that he wasn't sure if he loved me and that the only time he said it was so I wouldn't bother him..

I'm really confused now. He also said that he wants someone that is flexible but he is not being understanding when I told him it's not that I don't trust you it's the girls and his bad influenced friends I dont' trust. I felt that he loved me. There were many times when he would just say it and plan our future together and do nice things for me. We've spent a lot of time, money and emotions in this relationship and I thought everything was going well. Now we are broken up again and I have tried to win him back but he pushed me away and says he needs time, that's it's not worth it and we can never become a couple but he said this in the past before everytime we fight and we had gotten back again. I don't know anymore. Pls help

Our Suggestion:
Obviously it's not this one specific thing that is the problem. This is just the tip of the iceberg, it's an indication of the way you two relate to each other and it really bothers him.

A partner should never tell another partner what to do. That's just not right. You are both adults, you both have your own brains and should trust each other to use them well. For you to tell him "you can't have a party because I don't trust you" violates the core of a relationship. If you don't trust him then heck, why would you get married? How could you trust him any time he left the house, that he was coming back again? How could you trust him with female co-workers? Trust is core in any relationship. If you don't trust him, then it might be time to re-think making a life-long commitment to him.

Things were not going well if one fight broke them up. It was just that you guys weren't talking about the problems. Now is the time to be brutally honest and tell each other the things that bother you - without arguing about them. Just make a list and then prioritize it, and start working on solutions.

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