I am in big trouble...ummm hmmm

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Visitor's Question:
I have been on this site for about 4 years now, off and on. Always about the same girl. The same story. Similar problems. Maybe if i wouldve discovered this site 5 years ago and asked questions my life wouldve been different...im so tired of what ifs. See last questions, Cycle of Doom part 3...

I realize that in the grand scheme of things, my life has about as little meaning as a grain of sand in a dessert. Im not trying to get attention. And my story of pain isnt something that i brag about. Im not melodramatic or a drama queen here. Only 3 people besides the person who reads my questions on this site on the whole planet know my story. I have kept everything inside for so many years.
And its finally taken a vicious toll.

My ex love, the 1st girl i ever loved, the one i have written consistently about and last in the cycle of doom part 3 story is now, engaged to a manipulative scum bag and his child from an ex gf. She has moved back to my home town. I have started a new job that i have a short commute to everyday. I got that job just in time it seems. V has already promised me that she will make an effort to pester me (hang out) as much as possible. I have written the story so many times i dont even wanna do it anymore. Anyways for the past 2 years ive had fallen out of love with V and have been dating B. Our relationship has had some small issues but we have always come out on top. I love her very much which is why i hurt more.

I havent been able to get over WHAT happened to me in highschool. I havent been able to get over what happened to me that prior 3 years with V before i met my gf B.
Its not something i shouldve experienced. Things were supposed to happen differently. But they didnt. Why? Because when one of the most important people in my life and i were supposed to get together, i didnt even get 5 minutes when it mattered. And i have never forgiven myself for that. When i got my 2nd chance, V sent me away, saying that i was obsessed, not in love with her. That was it. That just broke me. And i dont buy what she is saying because i was very careful how i proceeded, and the fact is, that her life has gone down the drain because she can perceive real love in life. So she never finds it. So i just considered the source and moved on.

The funny thing is that after i had some space and met B, V was totally removed from my heart. Even when B and i shared stories of past loves early in our own relationship, talking about V didnt hurt. There was no attachment. I never thought about her during the day, nothing reminded me of her, and i actually started forgetting(so i thought) some of the bad memories. I was finally free. Ever since V came back into my life ive been getting worse. I feel all the pain and sorrow about my past. She has been making it worse by going around and fucking guys who wanted to harm her who i physically protected her from, oh and by getting engaged to the same monster that trashed her in highschool and who left her so messed up that she...left me behind even though she had actually fallen in love with me. I am the one, single boy that she never persued when she had feelings, the one she needed too. The only one that actually cared about her. And deeply i did.

ANyways, my life has never been the same since V. Its impacted my perceptions, my fears and my approach on life. I am so concervative, paranoid and fearfull that i am not in control of my own life, my destiny. Things havent gone my way at all. I work hard and am constantly humbled while watching people with the same qualifications find better jobs from the start, that give them some self worth, while they bitch that its boring, i WOULD beg on my hands an knees for those jobs at the start. Same with school. ANyways i feel im not in control, Not in life, money, jobs, career or decisions even love. I fear carma, i fear having one bad thought or enjoying simple pleasures that if i feel happy and feel i have finally made it that something bad will happen. And so far thats exactly what happened. So ive never had the heart to just quit a bad job and enjoy life a little while getting a better one, so many girls, opportunities have passed me by because i just stay in a rut thinking its the best i can do.

Now heres the problem. For the first time since my breaking point with V, in 5 years i finally went back to highschool. Just to pick up a cousin. While waiting for him late after class i was all alone. I finally stood where her and i stood when it all happened, a moment that changed me since then, made me stronger, better, a cut above when it comes to helping others, but at the price of always being scared and very very fragile inside. Not being able to help myself. While walking those 10 feet in the hall and sitting in the same chair as her in the library every single memory came back. I relived the experience suddenly. All the sounds, the smell of her, every word that was said, words that i thought we long forgotten, even the weather, the birds in the trees and my own thoughts. And it broke me. I stumbled around till i sat down to balance myself while all this stuff hit me. I realized many things at that point. I had spent years trying to be there for her. Years trying to get another chance, and years to finally do what was right for her. Years of regret.

3 months ago it even started messing with my sleep. The most horrible thing happened. I dreampt i snuck behind Bs back and started making out with V. I woke up feeling so shitty i wanted to die.

Truth be told while dating B i had one opportunity to just cheat, cheat with V. Back seat of car scenario. We normally hung out there as kids and watched the stars had a couple of drinks. She was single and we were just talking and i got roped in. Nothing happened. Clothes remained on. She at one point just was sitting on my lap flirting and got me turned on. We kissed eachother once on the cheek cuz we were both in pain and things were coming out. At one point i laid her down and was on top of her talking to her. I was inches away from her mouth, and my mind was buzzing. And i wanted just to have 1 kiss, just to feel what i had missed all these years. Years ago i shouldve just kissed her goodbye and gotten closer but i didnt. ANd...i stopped myself. Nothing happened. I got up. Sat back down and we just hung out the rest of the night. She commended me on being so strong. There it was. If there was ever proof i was over HER at least that was it.

Now shes back, and wants to be in my life. But i have some anger left over for her. While in that hallways i remembered that she left me behind when she loved me, and i needed her for a change. She did it without saying goodbye. She told me a year later never to do that to her, but tried it again this past december after getting engaged, and she did it by email. I now have questions that need resolution. "Why/HOW, could you do that to me?" But she will never answer this question because to much time has passed and she may not remember. She has a fiancee now, who oddly enough she knows is bad for her. But shes slowly trying to convince herself that she loves him again...ya right. And last night i had another dream about her. That we were kissing like crazy, worse yet in my dream B didnt exist this time. And i woke up in a crying mess.

Im losing memories of B, im losing GOOD memories of love that made it. I dont event think i understand whats going on in my heart anymore. There are way too many factors, regrets, changes, and pain. I cant even begin to understand why i am the way i am. I just know im very damaged.

All i know is that my one friend said that since i met up with V again that small piece of her that was in my heart is taking over, and that im not in love with her but falling again. My life, in all aspects has never been the same since our time back in highschool. Its like a person who gets put into a coma for 3 years, wakes up and everyones changed, and they have missed years of their life. Can NEVER get them back, but will have to FACE it everytime they are around that special someone, and will never ever ever feel better about it. I dont know if theres a god, but i think when i die i will have one grand question that needs answering. And i deserve to get that answer and i want to see how things couldve played out. Im wrapped up in a not, a cycle, and through her cycle of going back to past boyfriends and getting engaged to THE WORST those years i cant even have some pride in that i did all i could. Because now, those years, were officially a waste, and mean NOTHING. I cant leave her behind. Ive tried. 2x. It didnt work. We always rehook up somewhere. Probably because it pisses me off how messed up its been and i DONT WANT TO LOSE a special person in my life. I SHOULDNT HAVE TO. I was already cheated out of years of happiness with the girl of my dreams. My real soulmate. We both knew we were, and ever since i started dating B, and she knew it, shes been acting weird. And yes, since then, shes been dating exs.

V once told me something like "You and i would hook up. Ive grown up a little. Yes i havent made the best choices, but i know what you are...i know what we were supposed to be. The difference is i just rush off to guys to feel better." When i told her that i was just a restricted free agent, that i had no ring around Bs finger and you never know what could happen, she laughed, but i knew she was sad, when she said, "No. No you and her are past the threshold, your in your happy ever after."...So ever since we had our fight, when she called me obsessed, we went seperate ways, when she came back she visted me at my job, and had a new respect for me cause i finally had told her off. And realized that i wasnt gonna be a doormat and that i was something special. She was talking to me trying to feel me out, seeing what i had been up to since our fight. She didnt know i had a gf. When i told her i was dating someone i locked eyes with her and i didnt blink. I watched something shoot through her, probably what i felt everytime she hooked up with somebody else, but unlike her i dont date losers, it was only there for a second, the color drained from her face, and her eyes glazed over. She blinked and threw on her best smile and did the girly thing. "OMG im so happy for you! You deserve someone" and hugged me. Nice try V, but i saw pain there. And come to think of it ever since ive been dating B for almost 2 years, V has been going back into her past dating exs. So whats GOING ON?!?! Shes finally grown up and wants to give me a try and now im not available so she breaks down thinking that her supposed to be soul mate, just cuz hes dating will never be an option??? Then we have one small squabble about the past and she hangs up, cries and gets engaged with a scum bag after a month prior saying that she was just dating him for the company and she was getting ready to break up with him. WAS THIS ABOUT KEEPING FACE!?!?

Anyways, this has been way too long, as mine always are, but this story is too long. If i just wrote bits, nobody could give me a response.

1.WHY am i DREAMING that im kiss V???
2.Whats going on.How do i snap out of this rut?
Can i ask her the resolution questions? I doubt shed even remember the answer, and she doesnt like talking about our past ever since i started dating B.

See typing this out has made me feel better. I feel light. But it will just take one song, just one talk, just one trigger and i will be in my own personal HELL again.

See i know the big problem here is my heart is messed up.
I know. But im thinking i need to see a psychiatrist.

3.But do they know how to resolve love issues that have damaged you mentally?

My life was supposed to go one way, not just for a day, but for years, and i got sideswiped by luck onto another road, and i have watched my soulmate get hit by car after car. We are back on the same road again, and we are both mangled. And now im dating B, and shes hellbent on forcing herself to marry a monster. And i cant stop her. And she still is in my heart.

4.Can a first love stay dormant your WHOLE LIFE. What does that mean emotionally rather than mentally???
5.Should i seek a psychiatrist for help?
I dont have benefits so i couldnt afford more than a couple of sessions probably...is there a better class of person to talk to?

6.And lastly...is it possible for a person to go through such a unlikely and heartbreaking set of events, that will never let them get over their first love?
7. Will it be possible for me to take a wife, even if i love her, have a family, but NEVER ever stop thinking of V?
V was supposed to be my soul mate. When we look at eachother, its bloody obvious we both know it. And i cant read her mind, and she cant read mine, we have gone in circles and shes hurting herself ever since i dated somebody else. But everytime we are alone in a serious moment, its right there. The way we talk theres regret. We both know it. And we probably will never be. The difference is that she can repress and compartmentalize, and rush off to new guys to feel better. Where as i, just keep walking around wounded.

How in the hell, besides being omnipotent and being able to change the past can either of us, fix our lives? Because, we both know what eachother are, even though we are off limits.

I think im also suffering from depression, its strong on my moms side, but i dont want to go get tested, but i dont want to find out theres yet another thing wrong with me.
But im starting to have suicidal thoughts. Flashes yes, but very scary. I keep walking around feeling like im not real, like im dreaming, that this has happened but cant possibly because i have been robbed of the most important thing life itself. I have lost a part of my life, and whats worse, i never got to experience it so ill never know if we wouldve lasted. But i have a damn good idea what wouldve started. Oh and because of how this happened, 2 people are destroyed, not just me, so i feel even worse.

I have a new best friend, shes getting married, and its inspiring. Like V me ex love, and ex bf, she had alot of issues, and she had mental problems, but she overcame them and is happy in life. Minus being in student debt lol. Shes the type of person i want in my life.

The thing about V, while she never applies it to herself she has VAST WISDOM. When i ask people for help or to feel better, she blows them all away...probably because she knows me better than all of them. She can still move me like no other. Maybe one day B will. B is still very young, and not as mature but maybe in another 2 years when she will have known me as long, things will be different.

I am scared that one day her maniplulative scum bag of a fiancee will get her drunk and just like he did prior with all her male friends will get her to tell a secret, everything that happened between me and her has never been SPOKEN to anyone. In highschool when we were just friends he hated me, he hated all her friends. now when shes sees me alone, she will hug me, if hes there, she wont move near me. And im scared that all my vulnerability will be exposed and one day that prick is going to come after me and verbally crush me saying that i wasnt the better man and all that crap...and that i will break his neck and go to jail for the rest of my life. In the old days if a guy pulled that crap hed get his ass kicked and learn some respect...

In the meantime i am destroyed in my heart, and so out of wack i cant even find the opening in my mind. I dont want to be me anymore. ANd its obvious through her actions that she doesnt want to be her anymore. Im becoming suicidal. And i saved her from killing herself on multiple occassions. Wow, i kept her alive so that that prick could take a 3 year vacation and wreck her, and she kept me alive, and now i get to suffer.

I cant get over it, i cant just say goodbye, i cant face it for resolution...whats my best chance? Therapy? Is it possible to get so messed up in love that therapys your only shot?

Our Suggestion:
You are becoming suicidal. It is imperative that you seek a psychotherapist or counselor (it doesn't have to be a psychiatrist unless your therapist suggets it.)

There are no good answers that can come from an internet advisor like me. It will take face-to-face exchange of your feelings and ideas. It would be nice if your therapist would take the 10-15 minutes to read what you wrote above, but sometimes they prefer to talk it out.

If you can't afford a therapist, then ask the person for a recommendation to a free clinic of some sort. You can't be walking around with no help.

I am very sorry you are in this situation and wish you the best of luck!
George

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