Helping a Girl to Break Up

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Visitor's Question:
I have been hanging out with a girl and there is a lot of chemistry between us except she has a boyfriend. I know her boyfriend and he knows me but we are not on friendly terms but this began before the girl was involved.

She is in a bad relationship with this guy but she doesn't want to just break it off cuz she considers it to be serious and doesn't want to hurt him. Regardless of whatever is between me and her, i think she should break up with this guy cuz its better for her. I know i'm on dangerous ground cuz I'm sure this guy will blame me. What would be the best way to handle this situation?

Our Suggestion:
You're definitely right, the guy is going to see you as an instigator and of driving her to do something she didn't want to do. But obviously if people break up it's because they aren't happy, and if he blames you he will do so because he doesn't want to accept his own problems. There are always going to be people out there who blame others for their problems and if we worried about that all the time we would never leave our homes :)

So really the key issue here is your friend and her being happy. So first off you have to really, objectively look at this situation and make sure it's not that you are just trying to get her for yourself. Every relationship has ups and downs, every relationship has good and bad parts. No relationship is perfect. Also, people tend to complain about the bad parts of a relationship to their friends so it very well could be that she's only telling you the bad things and exaggerating them too. If it was really that awful she probably would have left and would be hating him, not wanting to protect him.

All that being said, let's say that it was something really bad like he was hitting her or verbally abusing her. In those cases she should DEFINITELY get out of the relationship. She needs to understand that a relationship should always be about two people who support and help each other. If he is actively harming her physically or emotionally, he is NOT in a relationship with her. He is using her. And as such she has no obligation at all to stay in it to BE used. She can break up with him calmly and quietly, and explain that she deserves to be in a relationship where she is appreciated and loved. And undoubtedly he will argue, because he enjoys using her. But she needs to stand firm and do what is best for her. In the end, this is one of THE most important lessons to learn in life - that you need to stick up for yourself. Others will tend to look out for their own interests, which are not necessarily your own.

So that's what you and she should think about. If it is really physical and/or emotional harm she needs to protect herself and hopefully show him that he can't treat women like that. If she doesn't take action now he will learn that this is OK behavior and continue to damage her and any other woman he comes across. So she is doing a great disservice to herself and all women if she helps him perpetuate this attitude.

If it is just that she's not happy, then she has an obligation to tell her boyfriend that, to actively work on it, and then either say that they can solve the issue or cannot solve the issue. But she can't just throw in the towel and say "Oh well it's not always fun, see ya". That would be a pretty sad statement on her commitment level.

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