I think it is over, but I still love him.

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Visitor's Question:
I have been with a man for 5 and a half years. We never had a good foundation as he cheated during the first month of our relationship. Overtime, I was able to forgive him since it was still early and we started in a long distance relationship. He moved in and the next couple of years, he lied about everything. He broke promises and just didn't get how he was hurting us. We got over that hurdle and after I gave up on a few of my personal wishes, he was able to be more in tune with the relationship. As time went on, I started to become less physically attracted to him. We were always fighting and had little good times. I don't know if I have ever been able to let go of our past and grow.
He was recently sent to Afghanistan for a 5 month tour. During that time, we spoke about breaking up or atleast taking a break because we just were not clicking as we used to. I think we both know we need to fix or leave but we are both afraid to live without each other. Does this mean something? When he returned, we decided to continue to live with each other in separate rooms and as a separated couple. Since, he has begged to get back with each other and wants me to move away with him in a year to Ireland when he is to go active duty. Also during this separation, I have fallin for another man. To make things more stressful, this man has 4 kids and a mean ex wife. Two of the kids live with him. I don't have problems with his kids, in fact I have grown quite attached to them. This man and I have said we love each other, have discussed living together and really making a life. He truly makes me happy again. I stay at his house often. My dad knows him and does not think much of him since he is a small town man with a checkered past. I do fear being hurt again but forget that that feeling comes with any relationship.
It comes all down to this. I love my separated boyfriend dearly. He is my best friend and for the most part was really good to me. He provided, loved, and cared. I am unsure if we could ever be what we could be and I do not know how to fall in love with him after all the problems. But what if I am making a mistake by leaving him? This new man is kind and may not have everything a girl could ask for, but I am highly attracted, get butterflies, and can see a future. I fear of making a wrong decision and losing everything. Is it worth staying with someone to see if it could ever be mended? He has been my whole world for so long, I just don't see the happiness right now.

Our Suggestion:
Your relationship with your current boyfriend seems to be at a dead end. You aren't attracted to him and things with him, even after over five years, aren't good and don't seem to offer the hope for improvement. You love him dearly but that doesn't seem to be enough as it seems to be a friend love.

On the other hand, your new interest is highly attractive, gives you butterflies and much more importantly offers you a future. He is clearly the better choice based on those factors.

As you say, there are risks with any relationship and you may end up with no one.

My concern is that you may be letting new feelings both lustful and other overly influence you. Since you have a place to live for a year, my advice is to stay in the home with your current boyfriend, as a separated couple, and see if your feelings for the new man persist.

Be honest with both of them. Tell your boyfriend it is a long-shot that you will go to Ireland with him and that you are waiting to see if things with your new interest stay the same.

Your situation is quite complex and so my advice is not clear cut nor even possibly acceptable to either man.

Good luck! George

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