I'm the Other Man

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Visitor's Question:
I really like and care about a close friend. She's known that I like her for months now but I didn't find out that she feels the same way until just a couple weeks ago, unsurprisingly, some trouble has arisen since then. We've been together three times since I found out. The first, when she told me how she feels (10 days ago), led to a pretty hot and heavy make out session that lasted several hours. However, when we stopped we talked about how we couldn't keep doing that because, as much as she likes me, she still cares about her boyfriend and isn't going to break up with him. While that wasn't what I wanted to hear, I understand her position and grudgingly accepted the truth in that.

The next time we were together (6 days ago), she was acting very provocatively towards me and was being very physical, however, when I tried to kiss her she responded "I wish I could, but I can't." We stopped and I suggested that we keep our distance for a while until we figured out how we felt about each other (more for her than me, I know how I feel about her), but when I said that she had something of a major freak out about not being with me so we both ignored that idea.

The most recent time we were together, we were very flirty and physical and ended up very sexual (not to be vulgar but I do believe the term for our actions is 3rd base). We both wanted and enjoyed it and, unlike the first night, this carried all the way through until I had to leave. The last moment before I went was a very passionate kiss goodnight.

However, when I got home not 30 minutes later, she called and said that "I don't think we can be friends anymore." We've since talked about the situation and we now stand at "I'll be your friend, but you have to try to get over me." I asked her if that's what she really wanted (due to the similarity of the discussion we had the first time), but she wouldn't answer and said instead "That's the way it has to be." I asked if i could have a couple days alone to figure things out and when i spoke to her this evening she said that she really missed me and was upset that the situation was so difficult.

Do you have any idea what's going on between us? cause I don't...

Our Suggestion:
It sounds like she's in sort of a perfect position. She has two different guys who want her, and when one bothers her, she can run to the other one. If she's bored with one, she turns to the other. If she fights with one, she has a shoulder waiting. One can be one personality, the other a second. So instead of having to work through normal relationship issues and taking the ups and downs, she just hops to the other person when she runs into trouble.

Guys dream about this sometimes too. One woman to be the perfect cook. Another to be the ideal lover. A third to be a doting parent to the kids. If one bugs you, you just go to the second one.

I'm not saying of course that it's wise long term, for all sorts of reasons. I'm just saying there is a reason people in this situation tend to stay in it and drag it out. There is a lot of draw to being in it, and a lot of pain in having to make a choice and kick out one of the willing partners.

She is with someone. She's with him voluntarily. SHE has to choose to leave him, if she does choose to leave him. You can't "make her" do that. If she feels even slightly like you "made" her leave him, then she'll blame you for that choice.

Your best bet is to back off - REALLY back off. Make her realize what she's lost. If at that point she misses you enough, she will *choose* (not be forced to) to leave her boyfriend. But you have to realize that she's been with him all this time. It is also likely she will continue to choose to be with him, because he is honestly the one she wants to be with. I know it's not an easy thing to realize, but it is not going to do you any good to continue chasing someone who is taken for the rest of your life.

Look at the millions of women who end up as "other women" in affairs. All of them think the married men will somehow leave their wives. But really, few if any of them do. If someone is with a partner, they are there because they choose to be (for whatever reason). In the long term it is in your best interest to take your lumps, have your weeks of sadness, and find someone who is single.

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