She's Cheating with a Co-Worker

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Visitor's Question:
I have been married for 15 yrs and my wife works in the medical field. I have read countless topics on cheating and scenarios and have not found any that match my situation. All the signs are there but it is very difficult to catch her as I believe she is keeping all her communications at work or another email account. She used to work with him and has spoken with him about our intimate times as she has told me it relates to his. She has gone away with him and a few of her co-workers for a seminar out of state for work purposes. She keeps a picture of her and her co-workers with him in it from that seminar at our home but it seems that he is the only significant one in the picture. He finished his internship and moved away with his wife and kids.

Recently she went to Chicago to see another intern (woman) who just had a baby. He also lives there. She and another co-worker took the train out of state to visit her. Before leaving she stopped our intimacy a week prior. After returning she has been angry with me over something petty. This has lasted for 6 weeks since she has been back. She is now crying (tears) about the petty issue and has been on the depressed side of life. She has with held sex before when he was still working with her. After he left our sex life was very good with few and short interruptions.

She told me about an email account that she had I believe mistakenly. There was a situation where I wanted to use her Yahoo email account to send an email and she was not allowing me to use it and was very adamant about not using it and gave me a lame excuse why I could not use it and told me to open one or as many as I wanted of my own as it didn't cost anything. A couple days latter she gave me her account name and password. This happened about six months prior to her trip.

Please keep in mind all the other signs of infidelity are present but I have no way of stopping or intercepting any communications if she is using a separate email account or is communicating from her work.

I used to feel we had an awesome relationship and that she was not capable of cheating as this is not her nature. I'm really feeling like a chump!

Our Suggestion:
It is absolutely very hard to deal with a cheating partner. Relationships are built on trust and if the trust is gone everything else goes as well.

At this point I would take the direct approach. Sit down with her. Tell her you know, absolutely, that she is involved with this man. That you need to just get it out in the open and that her continual lying about it is destroying the relationship. That there is no doubt in your mind and that if she comes clean you can try to move forward. If she refuses to come clean and continues to lie that the relationship cannot survive.

It might be "just" emotional - but the point here is that she is dedicating time and attention to him that belongs to you. And that she thinks it is "fine" for her to do this to you - which it is not.

If you think she will just lie, then set up therapy where both of you talk separately with a therapist. She may be more willing to first reveal the issues to a third party, and then that third party could help encourage her to be honest with you and move forward.

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