He Broke Up - I was Oblivious to Why

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Visitor's Question:
I am 16 yr old girl, and my bf broke up with me 3 weeks ago because he said he doesn't love me anymore. We are still in a friendship relationship. When we were together he was telling me that he will never ditch me and will marry me. He was very honest and serious about all he said. He also was saying that he feels death inside when he imagines me being with some different guy so I know he really did love me.

I think he just thinks he doesn't anymore but he just lost it because of me being a little clingy and because of one time when I said "You never disappointed me so I know you won't now" and he understood "You never disappointed me so don't do it now." That really hurt him. That was a week before he broke up with me.

We had our "first time" and both of us got kinda worried about pregnancy. I told him He misunderstood me and he said "ok but that doesn't change the way it made me feel".

He is a very moral guy. He doesn't accept cheating. In the beginning of our relationship he told me that he is very careful because he doesn't want to ruin something very special for me and by what he understood I said it made him feel like he did ruin it for me. I told him he didn't.

I hung out with my ex boyfriend a couple days ago and he was acting very happy, normal like we would still be dating, except we just didn't kiss and stuff. He made a lot of provocative actions including in elevator we were standing on the opposite sides of it and suddenly a little before elevator got to the top floor he came up to me with certain walk and he was very close to my face like he was about to kiss me and then the elevator's door opened and we walked out and he was all smiley and happy. Second thing he did he grabbed me by my waist and hugged me kinda from behind very gentle, just the way i love and the thing is that i have told him before how much i like it.

My question is how to understand his actions.

He is not everyday flirty guy, actually very shy and he was very provocative and made me forget a couple times that we are actually not dating anymore. He is very moral and with rules also kind of person who thinks about every action before he does it so there is no possibility of just getting close to a girl just because, he is a very controlling person who always knows what he does and also its also not the case of him wanting to get only physical out of me which would be the "friends with benefits" thing. He would never do that, he told me once "My body says yes but my heart would say no".

He is actually on of those goodish guys who don't do anything bad that's why it makes me think that he just needed a space and made it so drastic for me cuz he really needed it and that he will get back.

Could this be a sign that he might want me back at some point? All the actions he has done toward me? and I know he doesn't just do it to anybody. Please HELP !

Thank You

Our Suggestion:
The first thing to come to grips with is that people say all sorts of things when they are in a relationship. Then emotions can change and now they no longer feel that way. So it doesn't do much good to say "well before he said X so therefore he should always feel X". Life isn't like that. When we are three we might adore our Polly Pony and swear we will love it for life. We might promise to carry it with us every day. But over time we change, and our interests change, and that is natural and OK. We can't expect to stay static for our entire lives.

So the question is what changed. You gloss over that as if it's not important, but it's critically important. You say that it's just that you were a little clingy and that one time he feels you expressed distrust in him. These seem like minor things to you - but somehow the situation was so dire for him that he would rather be alone than to remain by your side. That you don't understand what upset him is even more concerning.

It sounds like the lines of communication were extremely poor if you went from happy to broken up without you being aware of what was going on. So that has to be fixed. Sit down with him. Ask him to describe to you what went wrong. Listen objectively. Don't argue. Don't contradict. Just listen. And learn. Clearly some serious things bothered him that you were oblivious to. It's time to learn and grow and be able to see and talk about these things before they destroy the relationship.

Then go back home and give serious thought to his concerns - and work on them every day. Prove to him with your actions - not just with words - that you can be different. Prove to him that you can talk about issues, address concerns, and be aware of his feelings.

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